One Month After My Attempt and I am in Hell

Dreams

Today, it’s officially been one month since my recent suicide attempt. I’d like to say things are better now, but they really aren’t. I feel like I am still in the same boat, the only difference is that I am not feeling suicidal anymore.

I am back on the same medications I was on before May 29th, and they are far better than the ones they put me on in the hospital, but I still don’t feel like they are doing much to help. Even at higher doses I still feel like hell – depression, anxiety, voices, delusions, paranoia, nightmares, panic attacks and racing thoughts just to name a few symptoms. I feel like hiding away in my bed, but I can’t, because I have responsibilities and a family to watch over.

I float through my days in a fog, trying to smile for my wife and daughter, trying to appear somewhat “normal” to my neighbors, who watch every move I make. I get through my day by taking online courses and working on the websites for my business, and that seems to help a bit, but it is really hard to stay motivated.

This past month has been hard too because we have been broke from paying my hospital bills. If it wasn’t for family lending us a few bucks here and there, we would have never made it this month. I wouldn’t be so irritated about spending so much money at the hospital if they had done anything to help me. After all, we have been broke other months and somehow made it through. My time in the hospital was a waste, because I felt worse when I got out than I did going in. I am ashamed that my mistake put us in this financial situation and spending all this money on the hospital and expensive medications hasn’t done a damn thing to help me.

I wish I could say that this last month was a learning experience for me and that because of everything I went through I feel better than I did back then, but I can’t. I feel like a big pile of shit, and I am not feeling any bit of hope that I will feel better any more, like I did when I wrote this entry.

I don’t know what to do to change things – everything I try just turns to dust. I can’t hope for better medication, because I’ve tried all the ones available here in the Philippines and I seem to be on the best ones. I can’t go to therapy, because I can’t afford it. I don’t even feel therapy will help me anyway.

How much longer do I have to live like this?

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10 thoughts on “One Month After My Attempt and I am in Hell

  1. Yup, I know how it feels to be in a POS hospital. My most recent hospitalization in april was less effective than the partial hospitalization by a football field. That hospital had all of three groups a day. Total waste of insurance money. I’m with you on all of this.

  2. Sounds like the hospitals here, there was no counseling or attempts to help. It just seemed like a baysitter that kept me too drugged up to do anything harmful.

    Speaking of which, I don’t want to upset you or anything, but I can’t in good conscience not point out – no one should ever physically harm their partner, man or woman, and especially not their soul mate, as that is like harming yourself as well. Could your wife need some counseling as well?

    • She does, but I really hurt her by writing about things we only say in person. She has been crying all day and talking about what a bad person she is. She’s not a bad person, she just has some issues.

      I couldn’t have made it these past few years without her, she had been my support, even though she has a hard time understanding my illness.

      I shouldn’t have wrote about her. It was a mean thing to do.

  3. I’m sorry you had to go through that and that you are having to pay for the hospitalization where they didn’t do anything. My last hospitalization was a nightmare, but at least I was stable when I came out, which I don’t hear a lot of, so I can’t complain.

    Not being suicidal anymore is significant (on your own part and to your own credit) although it sounds like you could use some real help and I don’t know anything about that part of the world. Just keep pushing.. keep pedaling.. if you keep pushing it buys time and with time there is hope..

  4. Not exactly what you are going through but I just spent 4 days at my local VA hospital thanks to my mental state. I don’t regret going in, but things are not that much better right now either. I did however get the ball rolling on a few different solutions that will help me. You not only need plan A, but also ,B , and if you can come up with it plan C.

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