Today, it’s officially been one month since my recent suicide attempt. I’d like to say things are better now, but they really aren’t. I feel like I am still in the same boat, the only difference is that I am not feeling suicidal anymore.
I am back on the same medications I was on before May 29th, and they are far better than the ones they put me on in the hospital, but I still don’t feel like they are doing much to help. Even at higher doses I still feel like hell – depression, anxiety, voices, delusions, paranoia, nightmares, panic attacks and racing thoughts just to name a few symptoms. I feel like hiding away in my bed, but I can’t, because I have responsibilities and a family to watch over.
I float through my days in a fog, trying to smile for my wife and daughter, trying to appear somewhat “normal” to my neighbors, who watch every move I make. I get through my day by taking online courses and working on the websites for my business, and that seems to help a bit, but it is really hard to stay motivated.
This past month has been hard too because we have been broke from paying my hospital bills. If it wasn’t for family lending us a few bucks here and there, we would have never made it this month. I wouldn’t be so irritated about spending so much money at the hospital if they had done anything to help me. After all, we have been broke other months and somehow made it through. My time in the hospital was a waste, because I felt worse when I got out than I did going in. I am ashamed that my mistake put us in this financial situation and spending all this money on the hospital and expensive medications hasn’t done a damn thing to help me.
I wish I could say that this last month was a learning experience for me and that because of everything I went through I feel better than I did back then, but I can’t. I feel like a big pile of shit, and I am not feeling any bit of hope that I will feel better any more, like I did when I wrote this entry.
I don’t know what to do to change things – everything I try just turns to dust. I can’t hope for better medication, because I’ve tried all the ones available here in the Philippines and I seem to be on the best ones. I can’t go to therapy, because I can’t afford it. I don’t even feel therapy will help me anyway.
How much longer do I have to live like this?