June 23, 2014 – 4:57 AM
I woke up this morning feeling very depressed, anxious and generally in just a shitty mood.
Last night was the first time since I’ve been out of the hospital that my wife got mad at me; really mad at me. It almost felt like we were back in the horrible time before my suicide attempt, when all we did was fight and she was constantly mad at me.
It’s not that I don’t think she shouldn’t be able to get mad at me. That’s one of the things she was upset about last night. I think she feels like she is not allowed to get mad because I’ll get depressed, and she feels like she can’t express her displeasure without upsetting me.
Let me back up and tell the whole story.
We were eating dinner and she mentioned that the “women talk” she had earlier with all our neighbors had turned to sex. She told them she is lucky if she gets attention from me three times a month. I got upset for two reasons:
- What she said was an exaggeration. We make love more often than that. I would like to say we do it more, but my illness and the medication I take for it promote sexual dysfunction, and I just don’t often have the desire. This is a source of never-ending embarrassment for me as a man, but it is my reality.
- I really don’t want my neighbors knowing my sexual habits. It’s bad enough that the paranoia I feel makes me think people are talking about me all the time. But, the fact that I know they are judging me for not making love to my wife enough drives me insane.
I was only upset for a very short time because I didn’t think it was fair to her that I get mad at her for such a trivial thing.
But, I could tell she was wounded by my anger and she wasn’t letting it go. I asked her to talk about it, but she pulled her normal reaction and stayed upset, but ignored me. I asked her if my not wanting to have sex all the time was hurting her, but the only thing she said was it made her feel like she wasn’t desirable. I told her I loved her with all my heart and thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and I meant it, but it didn’t seem to make a difference to her. So, I figured I would just shut up about it, and let her get over it in her own way.
Shortly after dinner we went to bed, and as she was getting ready, I could tell she wasn’t letting anything go by the way she was storming around slamming doors and by the look on her face.
By the time she finished her bath, she was ready to talk about it (or in her case, yell), but by then my nightly medication had started to work its magic and I was feeling very, very sleepy. I should have waited to take my medication in case she wanted to talk, but I thought our business was over for the night and we would talk about it the next day.
She raged and yelled about the fact that she was not allowed to get mad because it would make me depressed, and asked me if I thought that was fair. I said it wasn’t, but I didn’t reply further because my medication had turned my mind to jelly and I couldn’t come up with a response that I thought would pacify her.
She talked for quite a while longer, but I don’t remember most of what she said because I was dropping in and out of sleep.
I know she is still mad because I woke up this morning to a Facebook status that said, “U r so unfair!”
I know this is not over.
When the wife got up this morning, we had a nice talk about what was bothering her the most. It’s not so much the sex (that is why I changed the title), but my not talking to her. She feels like I spend too much time on the computer and I don’t talk when she feels like talking to me. I told her I will always get up from the computer and talk to her, because nothing I am doing is more important to me than what she has to say.
She feels neglected and that I don’t show emotion. It’s hard for her to understand that the medication I take basically turns me into a non-feeling robot. She is struggling with my illness and I don’t blame her.
Ill just have to try harder.