Your Nightmares Follow You Like a Shadow, Forever

 

“I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I'm not. No one ever really gets used to nightmares.”  ― Mark Z. Danielewski

The nightmares never stop. Every night I awake with a muffled scream, and am not able to sleep again for a long time.

Ever since my suicide attempt, my nights have been filled with dreams of me back to the night I overdosed. I can feel every feeling I felt that night. I can taste the bitterness of the pills in my mouth. I am paralyzed and can do nothing but lie there and die.

I thought the dreams would go away when my doctor took me off the Seroquel, but alas, I feel no relief. The only difference is now I don’t flail around in bed, almost hitting my wife or falling off the bed.

My sleep has really been affected. I normally wake around 2am to write, but now I have been waking even earlier, and I have to get up and take my mind off of the horror of the dream for a while before I can lay down my head and sleep again.

It has been suggested that maybe the trauma of almost dying is causing these dreams, and I tend to agree. I wish I could just move on and forget that horrible experience, but it seems my mind has no intention of letting go and giving me some peace.

My dream tonight was much like the ones I have experienced every night for the past few weeks. I just took all my pills and I am lying on the floor dying. I am choking on my own vomit, my head dizzy and reeling from the effects of the pills I took. But the blackness never overtakes me, I just lay there, hoping death comes for me soon, crying in fear. The only thing I can hear is Facebook chiming, my family trying to contact me after reading my suicide note.

Ding, ding, ding.

Sometimes I dream that I am trying to kill myself in other ways: driving into the path of a speeding cement truck, cutting my wrists, the blood running down my arms to pool on the floor or jumping from a tall building.

This constant flow of suicidal images has left me depressed and anxious all through the day. I can’t seem to scrub the images from my mind, and I ruminate constantly on them.

I hope this cycle of dreams stops soon so I can sleep normally for a change. The dread I feel when going to bed is overwhelming, but I am so tired, I always fall into sleep, knowing something horrible is awaiting me in my slumber.

I can only hope this terror goes away by itself over time, after the horror of what I did to myself fades into the past.

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9 thoughts on “Your Nightmares Follow You Like a Shadow, Forever

  1. I have nightmares a lot too, sometimes mixed in with psychosis when I wake up and I can’t tell if I’m awake or asleep. Nightmares are terrifying. I’m so sorry you’re facing them and that they are plaguing you. I hope writing about it brings you relief and that you find rest soon. I’m not sure what comfort my words will bring, other than to say you’re not alone.

  2. When I was having night terrors, I would wake up with hallucinations. My pdoc prescribed Prazosin/Minipress which is a blood pressure medication used to treat PTSD especially nightmares and sleep related problems in relation to the PTSD…. something you might want to look into.

  3. I too have terrible nightmares and terrors which is why i fear going to sleep at night. My doctor prescribed a medication to help reverse the side effects of my current meds and help with the terrors. However sometimes when I wake up I still feel like I am in the dream.

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