Take it away Lori!
Thanks Jason for giving me the opportunity to write something for your blog.
My name is Lori. I have been diagnosed since 2003. Originally my diagnosis was bipolar but it changed to schizoaffective, bipolar type in 2006 because I was having long periods of psychotic symptoms without mood symptoms and my main symptoms are psychotic ones.
I have been keeping blogs and posting on support forums for mental illness since 2003. Some were lost when sites closed or archived. In November 2013 I compiled most blogs and posts and have them organized.
I found something I wrote to my psychiatrist in 2006. I had last been hospitalized in 2005. I was embarrassed so I wrote it down and handed it to him. I was slowly coming out of a psychotic episode and was confused and frightened by my thoughts. This is what I wrote:
“I’ve been having paranoid thoughts and delusions since I was hospitalized last year. I thought I had been being watched and filmed since I was a child. I didn’t think I needed to talk about it because I believed you were in on it and knew everything already. I believed my parents hypnotized my siblings and I, and we were programmed. I thought the point of the hospitalization was to deprogram me.
I thought newspaper articles, songs on the radio, and TV shows were directed at me. I thought people were talking in code. I couldn’t understand how my children were sending messages so I thought they were programmed, too. Now, I don’t see hidden meanings, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t there.
My husband went with me to see my last psychiatrist last year. He told him I was talking about mind control and that I feared people would harm me and my family. That’s when the abilify was added.
I think I’m coming out of it, but now I don’t know what to believe”
That was a difficult time for me. I knew those thoughts were bizarre, but they seemed so real. I slowly started accepting consensus reality and putting the thoughts aside. I still have some doubts, but I am able to go about my day. From 2003-2006 I was out of touch with reality more often than not, but I haven’t since. I am very fortunate. I respond well to medication. I go to therapy and have developed coping skills but the main thing that helped my stability is my medication.
Now, I volunteer for organizations that help people with mental illness. I am also married and have 2 children and that is going well. Today, my biggest issues are anxiety and mild depression.
Thank you Lori! I hope you come back and write something for us again real soon.
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