Am I allowed to say I think I am starting to feel better without fear that I will jinx it?
I’m truly not that superstitious but it seems that every time I start to feel a little better, something happens to change it and I am right back on that merry-go-round of feeling shitty.
I think the last of the withdrawals are finally over, and I went through a whole day without getting depressed at every little thing that happened. It’s a start. I’m still having problem getting my mind to focus. Writing has been fairly hard to do, but I sat down and did it yesterday. Today I woke up at 4:30am and plowed through Facebook and Twitter trying to catch up on everything. Yes the first thing I saw on Twitter was some guy calling me a “twat”, but I didn’t get angry and just decided to ignore the whole thing instead of agonizing over the best comeback I could come up with in 140 characters.
For some reason, the song “Endless Love” by Lionel Riche and Diana Ross is stuck in my head. I’m not a really big fan of the new version by Luther Vandross and Mariah Carey. Anyway, I’ve been singing it all morning. I plan to serenade my wife when she wakes up to see if I can get some free kisses and general affection.
A general feel of unease and an altered reality has set in. I feel like I am walking in a nightmare. Nothing I see or touch feels real at all. I’ve dealt with this before, off and on for the past few weeks,, and the only thing that helped was locking myself in the bedroom to avoid interacting with anything. That is what I am doing now. The bedroom seems a safe place where I can avoid over-stimulation. I can hear my wife and Zoey downstairs, but it feels like they are far off, talking in some place I can’t reach.
I hate this feeling.
Well most of the day, we experienced a “brownout” (the Filipino way of saying power outage) and my laptop wasn’t charged, so I didn’t get to write much more like I planned.
The feeling of unease went away after a while of sitting in the heat and humidity, and I ended up feeling pretty good today. I even slipped in a cool 2 hour nap after the power went back on and I could turn the AC on. That is kind of how it goes with my moods; I am up and down all day. At least it not mostly down all the time.
I think tonight I will get up early and write something
Have a good day. Mine is almost over.