I have, for the past few days since I got out of the hospital, been writing the epic true story of my May 29th suicide attempt and the events surrounding it.
It is extremely hard to relive that night over and over again.
Suffice it to say that it is taking me awhile. I am at 1400 words and I am barely into the story. I’m not complaining that I am actually able to write through this brain fog, I am just saying that it’s hard to really focus on the details of that hellish night for too long without becoming lost in that frame of mind again. I was in a seriously fucked up place and it hasn’t been very long since it happened and I easily snap back into that thought pattern if I am not careful.
You see, I am nowhere near being “okay” yet.
I am still suffering every minute of every day. I am still hurting almost as much as I was last week, but now I have medication withdrawals and side-effects from my new medications to deal with. Thankfully, the hell of a failed overdose has pushed me to a place where I am not suicidal anymore; but I still feel like I am flailing around trying to find a sturdy place to rest.
I didn’t really get any help in the hospital, except for a 5-minute session with my Psychiatrist every night, because hospitals in the Philippines don’t offer the coaching and therapy that you get in a hospital in the States. Basically you just sit around, floating in your own head, eating and sleeping all the time, never really getting anywhere near resolving your issues. It was just a safe place where I couldn’t hurt myself. There was really no one to just talk to about what was going on with me.
I have been talking to my wife a lot more, and last night she reminded me that I could talk to her about anything at any time. She really has stepped up and become a strong support for me, and has really been trying not to let things make her “snap” anymore. Sometimes, I just don’t know how she stays so calm when Zoey throws a tantrum (which is something new she has started the week I was gone), or cries for no reason.
I love my wife, but I think we still have some issues to work out. I keep forgetting that I just went through a trauma. I keep expecting to have everything be fixed right away.
Just take it easy on yourself, Kiddo!
I have been worrying about another thing lately too. Now that I have revealed my identity to the world and the location of my blog to my family and friends, am I going to be as honest as I want to be? So far, it hasn’t been a problem for me knowing that people are reading my darkest thoughts and may at one time want to talk about them. I am just going to write like I always have and let other people deal with it any way they can. I have to remember that I can’t be responsible for whatever other people think or their own reactions. I have enough on my plate just dealing with what is in my own head. Maybe it’s a good idea that people close to me know what’s going on, so they are more equipped to help if I need it. I can’t be as closed-off as I have been, because it’s a lonely place to be, and it only brings more pain to survive there.
Have a great day everyone! I’ll talk to you soon.