My dear and loving family,
Well, I’ve reached the last rung at the bottom of the ladder, and there is nowhere else to go but down the last step.
I was going to write each of you a letter, but I just don’t have the time left, and I wanted to post this on my last hope for sanity, this blog, SchizoIncognito.com. I hope when the smoke clears, each of you read through my entries for the past couple of months. It will explain a lot about me you may not have known, and why I have done what I have done.
There is no nice way to say this: by the time you read this letter, I will be dead. This may come as a shock to some, but to others who are closest to me, this has been coming for a long time. The reasons for my passing are many, but mostly I just couldn’t handle the pain anymore and I am giving up. Yes, after all this time I prove to everyone that I am a quitter. I live my last hours comfortable with that thought; not at all ashamed, because I have fought this for so long and I just can’t do it anymore.
I am not scared to die. I am sad to leave all the ones I love behind. I’m sad to leave a legacy of suicide to my children, but there comes a time when you’ve been stretched so far, that you break. I’m broken everyone: and no amount of medication, therapy or well wishes by my family can fix that.
I never thought I would make it to 45, but I did, and it’s been a hard-fought battle every day.
I watched the sunset for the last time today and wondered why I hadn’t spent more time on the simple things in life. I just kissed my daughter for the last time too, wishing I had spent more time telling her I love her.
Mom and Dad
I really couldn’t have asked for better parents in my life. I know this is going to be so hard for you, because of Lee just passing away recently, but this is something I must do. I love you both so much; keep that near your hearts when you think of me. It’s going to be hard going on, knowing you outlived both of your children, but you have your faith to hold on to.
I wish I could have been the perfect Jehovah’s Witness you wanted me to be, but I just couldn’t. There was just so much I disagreed with and my twisted mind only made my doubts that much stronger. I wouldn’t change how you brought me up though.
Dad, you sacrificed so much to make sure we were fed, clothed and had a roof over our head, even though you were sick. I never forgot your example.
Mom, you loved us so much and I always felt safe when you were near, even when I was older.
I regret leaving the both of you most of all, but I know your faith will pull you through. Dad, I hope it’s all true and one day I can see you climb that mountain.
You were my rock to lean on in the storm, but you could only do so much. Never, ever blame yourselves for what happened to me, it was never your fault. You were my biggest help and kept me alive through some tough spots.
I love you.
You have made me so proud, my firstborn son. The way you love your wife and child is the way you should always love them. Don’t follow my path and work yourself sick trying to give your children everything. Just give them love, its worth far more.
Don’t let any illness get the best of you or your wife and don’t blame yourself for what happened to me. Live your life and be happy. Don’t get caught up trying to get ahead. Family is what is important.
I love you son, I hope you always remember that.
I worry about you because you have isolated yourself from your family. Don’t let what happened in the past keep you from your brothers or your mother.
I’ve seen great things from you recently. Since you’ve been with Riania, it’s like your life has blossomed. Embrace life and live it to the fullest no matter what!
Even though we didn’t talk much, I always thought about you. I love you so much son. Be well!
This is unfair to you most of all. Not only did I leave you and came to the Philippines, but I never came home to you. You may feel some anger at me. That is okay, but don’t let it poison you. Know that your dad loved you more than life itself.
I expect great things from you. I imagine you being a great musician and going to college. Don’t let anyone take your dreams from you. You will be a success in life, I just know it.
When times get tough, lean on your mom for support. Your mom is a great woman and she will get you through when things look bleak.
Just know that your dad loved you and he only wanted the best for you.
I’m not gonna pull any punches, it’s been tough. But through it all I have always loved you. Those weren’t just empty words I said to you every day. I loved you from the moment I saw your smile the first time, to the last time I saw you, upset, with the covers pulled over your head.
You need to get some help, my love, for your anger issues, or it will eat you alive. I don’t know if you were having mental issues because of me, or you have an ongoing problem, but don’t let it ruin your life.
You are only 28 and have your whole life ahead of you. I hope you can find someone that could give you what I never could. I know I failed you, but move on from this and learn from it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you just how bad my illness was from the beginning, maybe you could have avoided the pain I caused you.
It feels weird knowing you are right above me right now, probably crying from the things I did. Never blame yourself for what happened to me, it was never your fault. The only mistake you made was picking the wrong guy. You will find the right one some day.
I’m sorry you were the one to find me. If I could have avoided it somehow, I would have.
Above all, take care of that precious baby. Don’t leave her and please, someday when she is older, show her a picture of me and tell her that her daddy loved her very much, even though I was with her only a short time. Take care of Zoey above all, above yourself. Remember her first before you make a decision.
Baby, I love you and only wish the best for you. It will be okay after a time. You are strong: I have always said that.
Oh Zoey, I wish I could have seen you grow up into a beautiful young lady. You are so precious to me, and when mom was out of the room, and I cried and told you that your daddy will always love you, I meant it.
I wish I could have been there to protect you from all the bad people out there. Just be careful and listen to your mom when she tells you something. It’s for your own good.
I love you my little one, always remember that.
I wanted to write more to each of you, to let you know just how much I really loved you, but I just ran out of time. I hope you know from the way I treated you just how much I cared. I don’t know where I go from here, but no matter what, know that I loved each and every one of you with all my heart and soul.
What I regret the most is leaving all of you and I hope that when you remember me, and I know you will, you will remember me fondly and think of the good times we had.
My life has been both horrifying and wondrous at the same time.
I know I should have tried harder to hold on, but I came to the realization today that I no longer have anything left to fight with. Up until now, I’ve never been really serious in my attempts to take my life: something always held me back. But this time, it’s final. I’ve never been more serious about anything. Yes, I’m a little scared, but a part of me is happy too because the pain will finally end.
I know you are probably thinking it was incredibly selfish of me to kill myself. I can’t disagree with you on that. I feel guilty right now, as the hour draws near, and I am sorry to all of you. I expect you will at some time be angry with me, but I hope you will get over it with time.
I’ve lived most of my life in extreme pain, and I’m not saying that for pity’s sake, I am stating it as a fact. I am unable and unwilling to live with that pain any more.
Please remember that I tried to be a good person, and remember me with love.
Its 11:35 and time is getting close.
Just a few of my wishes:
- If I happen to do this wrong, and become a vegetable, don’t prolong it. Pull the plug
- Don’t have a big funeral. I want to be cremated. Each of you can remember me in your own way. Don’t spend money on my body. It’s just dust. Spread my ashes in the ocean.
- Remember the happy times; I had many with each of you.
Morbid I know.
I know that none of this really made any sense, but I’m not really clear of mind right now.
I just want to finish up this note by saying again how much I loved each and every one of you. The little patches of joy in my life were because of you all, and it’s the reason I held on for this long.
I know I should have explained more about why I am doing this, but just read my blog. What I didn’t say here is said in those pages.
As time is upon me, I don’t want to say goodbye. I want one more hug and kiss from each and every one of you, but I know I can’t have that. I’m crying as I write these final lines.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
I hope you can forgive me.