My Last Post: A Final Goodbye to Those I love

My dear and loving family,

Well, I’ve reached the last rung at the bottom of the ladder, and there is nowhere else to go but down the last step.

I was going to write each of you a letter, but I just don’t have the time left, and I wanted to post this on my last hope for sanity, this blog, SchizoIncognito.com. I hope when the smoke clears, each of you read through my entries for the past couple of months. It will explain a lot about me you may not have known, and why I have done what I have done.

There is no nice way to say this: by the time you read this letter, I will be dead. This may come as a shock to some, but to others who are closest to me, this has been coming for a long time. The reasons for my passing are many, but mostly I just couldn’t handle the pain anymore and I am giving up. Yes, after all this time I prove to everyone that I am a quitter. I live my last hours comfortable with that thought; not at all ashamed, because I have fought this for so long and I just can’t do it anymore.

I am not scared to die. I am sad to leave all the ones I love behind. I’m sad to leave a legacy of suicide to my children, but there comes a time when you’ve been stretched so far, that you break. I’m broken everyone: and no amount of medication, therapy or well wishes by my family can fix that.

I never thought I would make it to 45, but I did, and it’s been a hard-fought battle every day.

I watched the sunset for the last time today and wondered why I hadn’t spent more time on the simple things in life. I just kissed my daughter for the last time too, wishing I had spent more time telling her I love her.

Mom and Dad

I really couldn’t have asked for better parents in my life. I know this is going to be so hard for you, because of Lee just passing away recently, but this is something I must do. I love you both so much; keep that near your hearts when you think of me. It’s going to be hard going on, knowing you outlived both of your children, but you have your faith to hold on to.

I wish I could have been the perfect Jehovah’s Witness you wanted me to be, but I just couldn’t. There was just so much I disagreed with and my twisted mind only made my doubts that much stronger. I wouldn’t change how you brought me up though.

Dad, you sacrificed so much to make sure we were fed, clothed and had a roof over our head, even though you were sick. I never forgot your example.

Mom, you loved us so much and I always felt safe when you were near, even when I was older.

I regret leaving the both of you most of all, but I know your faith will pull you through. Dad, I hope it’s all true and one day I can see you climb that mountain.

You were my rock to lean on in the storm, but you could only do so much. Never, ever blame yourselves for what happened to me, it was never your fault. You were my biggest help and kept me alive through some tough spots.

I love you.

Jason Jr.

You have made me so proud, my firstborn son. The way you love your wife and child is the way you should always love them. Don’t follow my path and work yourself sick trying to give your children everything. Just give them love, its worth far more.

Don’t let any illness get the best of you or your wife and don’t blame yourself for what happened to me. Live your life and be happy. Don’t get caught up trying to get ahead. Family is what is important.

I love you son, I hope you always remember that.

Joseph

I worry about you because you have isolated yourself from your family. Don’t let what happened in the past keep you from your brothers or your mother.

I’ve seen great things from you recently. Since you’ve been with Riania, it’s like your life has blossomed. Embrace life and live it to the fullest no matter what!

Even though we didn’t talk much, I always thought about you. I love you so much son. Be well!

Jordan

This is unfair to you most of all. Not only did I leave you and came to the Philippines, but I never came home to you. You may feel some anger at me. That is okay, but don’t let it poison you. Know that your dad loved you more than life itself.

I expect great things from you. I imagine you being a great musician and going to college. Don’t let anyone take your dreams from you. You will be a success in life, I just know it.

When times get tough, lean on your mom for support. Your mom is a great woman and she will get you through when things look bleak.

Just know that your dad loved you and he only wanted the best for you.

Flora

I’m not gonna pull any punches, it’s been tough. But through it all I have always loved you. Those weren’t just empty words I said to you every day. I loved you from the moment I saw your smile the first time, to the last time I saw you, upset, with the covers pulled over your head.

You need to get some help, my love, for your anger issues, or it will eat you alive. I don’t know if you were having mental issues because of me, or you have an ongoing problem, but don’t let it ruin your life.

You are only 28 and have your whole life ahead of you. I hope you can find someone that could give you what I never could. I know I failed you, but move on from this and learn from it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you just how bad my illness was from the beginning, maybe you could have avoided the pain I caused you.

It feels weird knowing you are right above me right now, probably crying from the things I did. Never blame yourself for what happened to me, it was never your fault. The only mistake you made was picking the wrong guy. You will find the right one some day.

I’m sorry you were the one to find me. If I could have avoided it somehow, I would have.

Above all, take care of that precious baby. Don’t leave her and please, someday when she is older, show her a picture of me and tell her that her daddy loved her very much, even though I was with her only a short time. Take care of Zoey above all, above yourself. Remember her first before you make a decision.

Baby, I love you and only wish the best for you. It will be okay after a time. You are strong: I have always said that.

Zoey Belle

Oh Zoey, I wish I could have seen you grow up into a beautiful young lady. You are so precious to me, and when mom was out of the room, and I cried and told you that your daddy will always love you, I meant it.

I wish I could have been there to protect you from all the bad people out there. Just be careful and listen to your mom when she tells you something. It’s for your own good.

I love you my little one, always remember that.

++++++

I wanted to write more to each of you, to let you know just how much I really loved you, but I just ran out of time. I hope you know from the way I treated you just how much I cared. I don’t know where I go from here, but no matter what, know that I loved each and every one of you with all my heart and soul.

What I regret the most is leaving all of you and I hope that when you remember me, and I know you will, you will remember me fondly and think of the good times we had.

My life has been both horrifying and wondrous at the same time.

I know I should have tried harder to hold on, but I came to the realization today that I no longer have anything left to fight with. Up until now, I’ve never been really serious in my attempts to take my life: something always held me back. But this time, it’s final. I’ve never been more serious about anything. Yes, I’m a little scared, but a part of me is happy too because the pain will finally end.

I know you are probably thinking it was incredibly selfish of me to kill myself. I can’t disagree with you on that. I feel guilty right now, as the hour draws near, and I am sorry to all of you. I expect you will at some time be angry with me, but I hope you will get over it with time.

I’ve lived most of my life in extreme pain, and I’m not saying that for pity’s sake, I am stating it as a fact. I am unable and unwilling to live with that pain any more.

Please remember that I tried to be a good person, and remember me with love.

++++++

Its 11:35 and time is getting close.

Just a few of my wishes:

  • If I happen to do this wrong, and become a vegetable, don’t prolong it. Pull the plug
  • Don’t have a big funeral. I want to be cremated. Each of you can remember me in your own way. Don’t spend money on my body. It’s just dust. Spread my ashes in the ocean.
  • Remember the happy times; I had many with each of you.

Morbid I know.

I know that none of this really made any sense, but I’m not really clear of mind right now.

++++++

I just want to finish up this note by saying again how much I loved each and every one of you. The little patches of joy in my life were because of you all, and it’s the reason I held on for this long.

I know I should have explained more about why I am doing this, but just read my blog. What I didn’t say here is said in those pages.

As time is upon me, I don’t want to say goodbye. I want one more hug and kiss from each and every one of you, but I know I can’t have that. I’m crying as I write these final lines.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

I hope you can forgive me.

Goodbye! I love you all!

Goodbye! I love you all!

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23 thoughts on “My Last Post: A Final Goodbye to Those I love

  1. If you are still here, and happen to see this. DON’T DO THIS! LEAVE WHEREEVER YOU ARE, FIND A NEW DOCTOR. DON’T LOSE HOPE! We care about you!!!!!!! Please…. I’m begging you and I don’t know you. You are worth it, don’t give up on yourself!

    • He posted on reddit, a redditor was able to contact his family, his son saw the post 10 minutes after he posted this, called his mom, who called this mans mom. They poste online about it asking for help. Someone took this infor the the cops in his area. They got to him in time. He’s in the hospital recovering at the moment, idk all the details. But this i know.

  2. I’m praying for you that you find some last bit if hope or an outlet before you oh through with this . I have felt your pain, I know how desperate one can feel, but please don’t give up. As cliche as it sounds, your family needs you. I am sending you warm hugs of hope and compassion. Thinking about you and worried. Wish I could hold your hand. Please reach out for help one more time.

  3. Schizo, Jason. You are a day ahead of us here in the states, and I just saw your post–it says 7 hours ago. I’m hoping, praying, you are still here, that you changed your mind after you hit Publish. If you did change your mind? Thank you. Thank you for showing those of us who have sat where you are, feeling like they have no purpose here on earth, that maybe another day will turn that thinking around. I see this list of people who you say goodbye to, I see the love you feel for them, and I can’t imagine them not loving you back. Jason, please don’t feel ashamed, if you are reading this, to let us know that you changed your mind. We will be so glad we’ll be jumping for joy! Will you do that? I’m getting ready to discontinue my own blog soon and will be sending all of the people that have meant the world to me here on WP my new blog info. YOU must be here–you’re on my list! We care so much for you. Please check in?

  4. Reblogged this on The Wandering Nerd and commented:
    One of my favorite bloggers just posted this suicide note yesterday. And since I didn’t check the blogs yesterday, he’s probably already dead. And of course, there’s nothing on his blog to indicated he did or he didn’t commit suicide. All I can say is… actually, there’s nothing I can say.

  5. Oh, my dear fellow, I am desperately hoping you didn’t go through with this. You cannot possibly understand how this would affect your family. You will dramatically increase the chances of one of your family members, especially your children, of choosing suicide themselves. Your words, though sincere, will never heal the void you will leave in your absence. They will never stop blaming themselves. However broken you feel you are, even when you feel you have nothing left, I assure you–you do. Look back on those happy moments you remember with your loved ones. If you had taken your life sooner, you would have missed out. Doing it now will rob you and those you love of all the goodness that awaits you. This is not the answer. I have contemplated suicide many, many times. But ultimately, no matter how much you think you’ve screwed up, you can choose to not make this final mistake. You can choose to persevere and milk all the joy you can get out of life, and even if that’s just a minute amount, it’s far better than leaving the legacy of pain a suicide leaves in its wake. The pain you are feeling, cannot compare to what this will do to your family and friends. Think about that. Think about the magnitude of pain you feel, and think about inflicting that times a hundred on your loved ones. You don’t want to do that. And you don’t have to! Dear man, I hope you made the right choice, and instead reached out for help. You are worth it!!!

  6. Pingback: No Words | A Little Pinch of Pixie Dust

  7. Please don’t do this, just look at all the comments, we love you and you don’t have to do this. All those people, all those wonderous moments, live for them please. Just don’t… If you see this or any of these comments, just know that you are loved as much as you love, probably more. ❤

  8. Hello everyone

    I very much want to respect the privacy of Jason’s family, but I also wanted to let all of you know that Jason is in the hospital recovering. He is getting the help he needs. I don’t know if he will come back to blogging, or not, but if you see this Jason, know that we are here to support you and are thinking of you and wishing you peace of mind and happiness.

    His family is posting updates on his facebook page, if fellow bloggers who have posted here would like the link, please e-mail me at: aliciamesi212@gmail.com

    I

    • Thank you so much for letting us know he is alive and getting help. His final messages on Twitter were so heartbreaking and I was so afraid for him. I will email for his FB info. The one I have doesn’t have anything other than his posts.

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