The Battle in My Brain: Will it Ever End Because I’d Sure Like to Write Something Other Than a Rambling, Babbling Mess

Stigma.

Those of us with a mental illness fight with it every day. If it’s not from people in our everyday life, it’s from people on social media. An innocent tweet about how bad we feel on a certain day can bring ignorant and just plain mean comments from the unwashed masses.

Fuck. I’m sorry, I just can’t do this.

I wanted to sit and write something worthwhile and intelligent, but all I get from my stupid brain is babbling and broken thoughts. Writing is my only outlet, my only form of therapy, and I can’t write anything that makes any sense. Most times I can push through and write something if it’s just depression and anxiety, even though it may end up being a rant on how bad I feel. But, lately, my brain is only giving me racing thoughts, paranoia and voices that won’t cease their conversations long enough to let me type anything on the page.

I try every trick I know to focus, for even just a few minutes, and I fail miserably. It’s very disheartening and it makes me want to quit altogether. I have so much burning inside me that wants to come out. I want to have an intelligent exchange of ideas with someone, even those who write disparaging comments about my opinions, but everything that comes out of my head sounds like it comes from a 1st-grader.

I envy those who can write their thoughts so eloquently. Dammit, I know somewhere in there is a good writer, dying to come out and say something. I use to be smart, but something, my illness or the medication I take to “make me feel better”, is dumbing me down. I know from experience that I can’t stop my medication: a firestorm of withdrawals, unchecked emotion and suicidal ideation are the result.

I’ve never been able to find a doctor who can even give me a little hope that things will change for me. My current doctor even took my wife aside and told her that there is little hope that I will be able to function in a semi-normal manner for any period of time, for the rest of my life.

Today, my dreams of becoming a published writer and having a business are deflated and dark.

Every day, I am ruining my life more and more. I see my marriage crumbling like the first, because my wife is getting tired of my illness and me complaining that I am always sick. She doesn’t understand those hopeless days where I can’t get out of bed, and why I can’t bring myself to force a smile. I know it’s only a matter of time before she washes her hands of me and moves on. I can see the signs.

Everything hurts.

I want to die in the worst way, but I can’t even bring myself to end my life. I care too much about the people I would leave behind.

I’m not asking for you to pity me; that’s the last thing I want.

I just want to write. That’s not too much to ask for, is it?

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2 thoughts on “The Battle in My Brain: Will it Ever End Because I’d Sure Like to Write Something Other Than a Rambling, Babbling Mess

  1. You ARE writing, and that is the first step. A first grader, eventually steps up to a second grader, and then a third. It takes baby steps, especially while battling a mental illness. I dealt with it for a VERY long time, and I STILL have episodes. My husband never left me, and I had all the days you have had so don’t lose faith just yet!! You’ve got this, just take baby steps!!! Tell those voices to fuck off, seriously just like that. You can do this, you just aren’t letting yourself (well..that’s how I look at it. the voices are apart of you, right?)

    YOU.CAN.DO.THIS! Don’t lose faith in yourself, because your followers sure haven’t! 😀 Smile, chin up. You’re awesome and you know it!

  2. I have walked miles in your shoes. I too go through times when focus feels distant. Might as well take the next flight to Neptune. I wrote even when it made no sense because i eventually found a doc and therapist who listened to me read my writing and judged my medication adjustments accordungly. At one time i was told i would never work again. They even tried to put me in group care which my then boyfriend now husband refused. But let me tell you where I am now. I won NaNoWriMo. My novel isn’t great but I wrote it. I started working part time and just applied to go full time this week. Even if I don’t get the job i am just happy to be in the running. I have been on disability for nearly 15 years so my battle has been long and hard fought. My advice? Never call it quits. Keep writing. Keep living even when none of it makes sense. I also started volunteer work. It kept me going because people relied on me. It was my ticket out of despair. I have bipolar and borderline personality. Don’t listen to the naysayers. You can do what you want. Just be patient with yourself and set small goals that are achievable. You can do this. Feel free to ask me questions. My life is open.

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