Well, I didn’t manage to get up at 2am, but I did just roll out of bed at 3:30am, which is better than nothing. I need to get back in the habit of waking up early so I can work. I have been slacking off since I had the flu, because I have been depressed and anxious and just mentally sick.
I still feel terrible. I can’t seem to pull myself out of this one, I feel good for about the first 5 minutes after I wake up then all this shit comes flooding back in my head and I feel rotten.
One of the reasons I have been so depressed is that the situation between my wife and I doesn’t seem to be improving. We have our good days, but something always seems to set off her moods and we are back to a bad situation again.
I wrote this a few days ago during one of the bad days. I never finished it, but here it is anyway:
I think my wife hates me. In fact, I know she does.
She tells me almost every day that she does.
I try to give her a good life, but it’s never enough for her. She says that this is not the life she wants. She says that I shouldn’t kid myself; she could get what she wants from another man. She says every mean and nasty thought that comes to her mind, but if I say anything, no matter how caring or logical, she gets mad and threatens to leave and take the baby. When she gets mad, which is every day now, sometimes she lashes out and hits me.
What did I do to make her act like this? She is not the same woman I met, fell in love with and married.
I know I’m not a horrible person. I’ve never beat her. I don’t go on drunken binges and scream at her, in fact, I rarely ever yell at all. I never let a day go by where I don’t tell her how much I love her. I try to give her hugs and kisses, but she doesn’t want them, she pushes me away.
But I often give in to my dark, depressed moods. I am a quiet person who only talks when I have something important to say. Maybe sometimes I am a little cold and don’t express my emotions. I don’t like to leave the house much. I smoke too much. I don’t bring her flowers on a regular basis. I don’t write her poetry. I can’t afford to buy her every little thing she wants.
I didn’t take her to the beach today because I didn’t feel up to going and we don’t have any money. I spent it all renovating this house to make it livable for her. Now she is up in the room with the baby, ignoring me. Sometimes she comes downstairs and storms around, gives me dirty looks and slams things down. I wish I could tell her how much it hurts to be treated like this, but I can’t, she won’t listen.
I am alone. The only thing I can talk to is my computer. I’m stuck in a country where no one wants me to be here, now, not even my wife. I could have stayed in Arizona; fat and lonely. The sad thing is that I am more lonely now than I was then.
What does she want from me I wonder? Does she want me to go back to the U.S. and leave her to be happy with someone else? I love her so much that I would do that for her. I don’t want to be the reason that she is that miserable all the time.
Maybe I should just do what I always planned and just kill myself. That thought looks better and better to me every day. No more pain.
But that would leave my parents with both children dead, and my kids left with the legacy of a fathers’ suicide.
It was a very bad day as you can tell. The sad thing is, she is treating me like that more often nowadays. She has her times when she is kind, and tells me she loves me, but more often than not, I am the pariah in the house, and it always sends me down a spiral into a black hole.
I feel so lonely.
I wish I could sit her down and just tell her all these things I feel, but she would not take it well. It would somehow turn out to be all my fault, and she would pack up and take the baby and go to her parent’s house, leaving me in a country where I can’t survive without her. Worse yet, she has threatened to kick me out, without my car, even though I paid for everything. But, you see, everything is in her name. She could do it. The cops wouldn’t do anything because they are not that sympathetic to foreigners.
I don’t have any place to go and no money. I spent it all fixing this house up for her so she would be happy here.
No matter which way I turn, I am screwed.
How do I always let myself get in these situations?
Hopefully, I can look forward to a few more days of peace before she falls into a black mood again.
I know she has some type of mental illness, and I have asked her to go see my Psychiatrist, but the closest she has come is to tell her medical doctor about her moods. She was prescribed some meds, but stopped taking them after a few days, because she said they didn’t work. She didn’t even give them time. So even if I took her to my doctor, she wouldn’t take the medication she is given and it would be a waste of time.
I don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk to. If I try to talk to anyone online about this, and she finds out, she will automatically think I am having an affair. I know she reads everything of mine, even when I am only talking to my mom. I can only hope she won’t read this, because she will take it the wrong way. I know she will.
I am alone.
(Note: My wife just woke up and it looks like we might have a good day together today. I hope that doesn’t change suddenly)