A Cry for Help, But No One is Listening

I’m still really depressed.

I’m still really anxious.

I asked the wife last night as we were going to bed why she wasn’t happy. She said she was happy. I guess I do see her smiling and laughing when she is with the baby.

Maybe it’s just me she isn’t happy with.

She said she can’t handle it when I get depressed. I agree. Her idea of handling my depression is getting angry with me, which only makes me more depressed.

There goes the only support system I had.

My parents are 8500 miles away, and as much as my mom likes to try and help on Facebook, her veiled arguments that maybe this is a sign I need to go back to church are not helping. I only see my Psychiatrist once a month for about ten minutes. I can’t afford a Therapist; we are barely making it by on what I get every month.

I am alone. I have no one I can just go to and talk.

I have a lot I want to talk about. I am trying to start a business, but am getting no support from anywhere. I just want to make a better life for my family. I’m not trying to get rich.

I left my family and everything I knew so I wouldn’t have to be alone. But here I am: just me and my twisted thoughts.

I don’t want to be alone; I’d rather be dead.

 

Dead sounds like a happy place to me. A nice long dirt nap I never wake up from. No feelings, no hurt and no loneliness. If there is a heaven or hell, I don’t want to go there. I just want to sleep.

I just want to sleep…goodnight.

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17 thoughts on “A Cry for Help, But No One is Listening

  1. You are feeling alone and that sucks! Actually, there is no word in the human language sufficient enough to encapsulate what it feels like to be depressed and dream of death. I can only offer this in an effort to help alleviate some of your suffering: You are not alone. There are many many people out here going through similar thought patterns, pain, and anguish. Keep leaning like this and someone will catch you. Lisa

  2. It does sound like you are at your darkest; please hang on, take good care of yourself, and I hope you take advantage of the resource Bree posted. We are listening.

  3. Keep writing. Keep sharing your thoughts. And let your blog followers be another source of support for you. You’re not alone. Thanks for sharing.

  4. I hate liking this post. Just wanted to show my continued support. You’re in my prayers. I’m glad I came across your blog during that challenge. Sorry I’ve been a poor follower. God bless!

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