So many emotions to sift through right now.
The anxiety in my belly is making me feel nauseous. That’s why, instead of getting up and working right away, I am writing on this blog.
I haven’t written anything for a week, because I have been sick. I contracted some kind of horrible tropical flu. Thought I was going to die. Literally. I’m just now starting to feel better: fever, hideous body aches, chills, sweating, coughing, headache. I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t even help move my own household across the street to my new house.
Yesterday, I decided to sleep in until 8am instead of getting up at 7am and the wife started in yelling at me because I wasn’t helping her; she had to do everything. I say everything a bit sarcastically because she really doesn’t have that much to do around here. And when she gets mad, she refuses to let me help her with anything, I think just to punish me.
I haven’t done anything with my business for a while either. I have to get up in the middle of the night to get anything done, because if I try to work during the day it turns in to a circus. The wife is mad because I’m not helping her, the baby is crying; I can’t concentrate on anything and I feel guilty because she makes me feel like I’m not really working, because I don’t go to a real job. She doesn’t get that I am serious about this business, and I need to put some time into it, not just typing at 2am, trying to keep my eyes open.
Then there is the money. I’ve needed money to move on, but it always gets spent on other things and I am left with another month of waiting till we have money again, hoping I can use some of it for my business.
I just feel so hopeless. I’m 45 years old, and I have fucked up my life, and I almost feel like I am still doing it. I don’t feel like I can ever do anything right. The wife is not happy with me and I am not happy with myself. When do I get to a point in my life where I figure it out and start doing things right?
It doesn’t help that I am in a constant battle with my own emotions. Fear, loathing, unrelenting anxiety, depression, paranoia, and negative thoughts constantly rule my mind. I can’t seem to shake them. I am my own worst critic. Everything that happens that is wrong is my fault. It’s a lot to deal with every day.
Maybe it is because I was just sick for a long time, but all I have been thinking about is dying. I can’t stand trying to fake it anymore. I can’t help but think that everybody would be better off.
I can’t talk to my wife. Anything I say or if I express what I really feel, she gets mad. So, I just keep it to myself. It’s easier that way.
But, it’s lonely dealing with all these feelings.
When do things start going right for me? I’ve been trying to make my own destiny and push on despite all these obstacles, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I’ve tried to maintain a positive attitude, but always get slapped with reality.
I’m tired of being sick; mentally and physically. Nobody cares. I’m trying to change things but I’m frozen in self-doubt and madness.
Fuck it all, I say. Fuck it all.