What the hell?
I’m beginning to dread opening Word and staring at a blank page. I can immediately feel the anxiety boiling up in my stomach if I don’t type anything out in the first 5 minutes. Well, it’s been 30 minutes and I have only typed 37 words; that has to be a record of some kind for me.
“The way to get started is to quit talking and start doing.” – Walt Disney
I remember as a kid, before we had a computer, sitting in my room and filling up wire-bound notebooks with my rantings, poetry, short stories and little cartoons I sketched (badly). Writing was so easy for me then. I didn’t worry about not being able to write, I just did it. I wish I still had some of those notebooks for inspiration.
I don’t think I have anything left from my childhood. When I moved here to the Philippines, I got rid of everything except what I could fit in two suitcases. It’s amazing the amount of shit you gather over your lifetime. I still had love-notes from different girls from my teenage years. They all went in the shredder along with everything else. When I came here, it really was like I was starting my life over. I held on to nothing from the past, except for some pictures I never bothered to scan of my children when they were young.
It seems like so long ago when my three boys were babies. Now they are all grown up and have their own lives. They don’t bother to talk to me much anymore. Even when they are logged in to Facebook, they don’t even drop a little “Hi Dad” to me. I always have to initiate any conversation. I still don’t know what that means. Is it because I am not important enough in their lives to acknowledge? I don’t think they feel like I abandoned them because they were like this before I left the States. I may never know. It’s sad, I know, but it’s my reality. At least I still get an “I love you” once in a while if I say it first. That is something, isn’t it?
It’s amazing how easily I get depressed. Just talking about my kids makes me want to weep, but I hate crying, so I’ll just sit here and worry over it.
Well now that I am thoroughly depressed and anxiety is shredding up my insides, I am going to go and lie next to my sleeping wife and Baby Z and try to sleep for a couple of hours.
Wish me luck!