What happened to the days when I could sit down and crank out a 1500 word blog post with no trouble? Lately, all I can do is sit and stare at the blank page as my mind races around, trying to process the hundreds on thoughts passing through it.
It’s really disturbing.
I had a nice talk with the wife yesterday. She read what I wrote about her not understanding me, even though I know she tries. I could tell she was a bit upset. She said she is going to help me find a therapist and figure out our situation so I can afford to go. She doesn’t seem to think it will cost that much.
I don’t know how I feel about therapy. In the past it has been a waste of time for me. I‘ve tried both group and one-on-one, and I ended up quitting after a few sessions. But now I am at a point where I am willing to try again, because the medication alone is not helping me at all. I know I need help, because I feel as if I am at a turning point in my life, and I need some kind of strategy to deal with this anxiety and depression so I can move on with my life and my business.
Even though it has been a battle, I have not given up on my business. I have just stepped back a little and am going to stop putting so much pressure on myself and take it a bit slower. I think I tried to do too much in a short period of time, and my mind reacted with a huge burst of angst. I’m am not like I used to be when I was younger where I could work 48 hours straight on a website to meet a deadline. I just don’t have it in me anymore. Or maybe I do have it, but the ability is hiding somewhere in my broken brain. I would love to find that drive and motivation again, because I was very successful in everything I did that related to work and career.
On a completely unrelated note, summer has moved in to the Philippines and it is broiling hot and humid. I am sitting here at 4am with the fan on high in just a pair of shorts and I am still sweating. I guess I could get air conditioning, but my electric bills would be sky-high. Nobody really has air conditioning here so maybe I just need to stop being a pussy and just deal with it. The nice thing about summer is I usually sweat a lot and end up losing quite a bit of weight, so I am looking forward to that.
Hey…Thanks for reading.