I Taste Failure and it is Freaking Bitter

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” ― Paulo Coelho

There is no nice way to say this: yesterday was a shit day. In fact, all I have been having is shit days, but yesterday was way more shitty than usual.

I have been trying to work on my eBook and my website, but I have been feeling so bad, I can’t seem to do anything. Yesterday, I didn’t even get up at my normal writing time, I just slept through it. I haven’t even been very regular posting on this blog. Hell, I haven’t even answered my comments for a long time.

This kind of thing seems to be a pattern in my life. I come up with all these great ideas, and work really hard for a while, then I get depressed and anxious and stop doing anything. My brain just shuts down, and any sort of motivation or creativity I had get flushed down the toilet.

It feels like I am treading water, and I am barely keeping my head above the surface. On top of that, the sharks are circling. I feel like I am just inches away from giving up like I normally do. Every one of the people I count on for support keeps telling me to go see my doctor, and everything will be all better. But my doctor doesn’t do shit. A five minute consultation with her is not going to solve my problems. Neither is more medication, which is what she will do: give me more medication.

Nobody understands what I am going through, except maybe my blogging friends, but they have been strangely silent. My wife tries to understand, as do my parents. But, they just don’t get it. They have never felt what I feel, and how hopeless everything is. They don’t understand I am always moments from swerving into oncoming traffic. Nobody hears my cries for help.

I don’t want to fail again. I want to be successful at something. I don’t like the taste of failure. I don’t want to give up on my dreams again. I just want something to work out for me for once.

What is the one thing I have to do to make my business successful? I have to write. But I am struggling to even finish 375 words for this post. I sit down and my mind goes blank and I panic. No amount of medication can help that.

I don’t know what I am going to do. I feel so lost. I don’t want to quit and let my illness win again. I want to finish what I have started, but I don’t know where to go from here.

I wish I had someone to talk to, but I can’t find a therapist. Even if I could find one, I can’t afford to go anyway, so I’m fucked.

The only thing I can do is keep trying, and if I fail, get up and try again. I can’t be the only one this has ever happened to, but it sure feels like it right now.

Thanks for listening…

 

 

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6 thoughts on “I Taste Failure and it is Freaking Bitter

  1. This is a common experience for me, but with my visual art. The anxiety mind is part of the process, and you may have to find a new pattern for dealing with it and getting past anxiety and judgement. There is a book entitled “Fearless Creating” that helped me understand the stages of the process, and it actually focuses more on writers than visual artists. If you are interested in reading it, just e- mail me. asper5@yahoo.com. It helped me at a time when I was really stuck, and the exercises in it are fun and thought provoking.

  2. I certainly know what you are experiencing. I woke up yesterday at 6:30, saw my son off to school, went to physical therapy, occupational therapy, and to the chiropractor. I was home by 11:30 and was asleep by noon. I slept until 3:30 when my son gets home from school. Then I got on the couch and slept until 6:30PM. I didn’t ask my son if he had homework. I didn’t cook. I didn’t do much of anything. My husband ordered pizza. I ate and returned to the couch until I went to bed for the night. When I have days like this I feel guilty, but I simply can’t do anything. I often feel isolated and like nobody understands. In reality, I think they do but they are as frustrated as we are. Hang in there! You are not alone.

    • I have been having those kind of days, but my wife usually tries to get me out of bed and do something constructive. It really has helped.

      I hope you have more good days than bad.

      Thanks for commenting!

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