There are days for me, like today, where I feel like my life has been one big waste. In addition to not doing anything special in my 45 years, I feel like for much of it, I have been a burden to everyone I love.
I know it’s just my sick mind talking, but I can’t seem to shake this negativity I have about myself.
I know I have made a little impact on this world by being a father of four great kids, but I also know I have made their lives more difficult than it should have been. I know that my mental issues made it hard for them and at times I have been nothing but an embarrassment. I am happily surprised that they turned out as good as they have, despite the tough times we had.
Even though I was taught as a child not to plan for the future, because the world as we knew it was going to come to an end, I still had big dreams for myself.
What happened to all those dreams?
When I got out from under my parents and their religion’s wings, I was going to do big things. I was going to go to college and be a writer, like my idol Stephen King, and travel the world, exploring every nook and cranny.
Sure, I did actually go to college for a while, but I never finished up my Bachelor’s Degree, and I didn’t study writing like I wanted to. I never became a successful writer. I didn’t travel: the closest I’ve come is moving to the Philippines.
I didn’t make my mark on this world like I wanted; I just did everything I could to make everyone else happy.
Do you know what keeps me going? I am only 45, and I still have time to right what I perceive to be wrongs.
I have a lot going for me. I have a wonderful wife who supports my dreams of going back to school and becoming a great writer, and does the best she can to help me stay sane. I have a baby daughter who makes me smile, even when I’m not in the mood.
Even after all that, I still let negative thoughts take over my brain, and no amount of medication will help.
How do you battle negative thoughts?