I have been sitting here for the past hour trying to come up with one thing I like about myself today. I was going to write about the positive things in my life right now and things I am grateful for in my life. Sure, I love my wife and children, but I just wanted to find one thing I love about me.
I failed miserably.
What I did come up with are a few things I really hate about myself and I am going to be honest and write them down.
I use to think I had a great mind. I thought I was intelligent. After all, every semester of college I was on the Dean’s List and I graduated with a 4.0 GPA. I tutored others in my school, even the really hard math classes.
But that was many years ago. These days I can’t even remember which pills I have to take or even remember to take them. I can’t remember my kid’s birthdays or my anniversary.
I can’t even sit down and read a book because I can’t focus on anything anymore. I used to love to read anything, and I read several books a week. I would even sit down with the dictionary or an encyclopedia just to expand my knowledge.
Nowadays I try my best to focus on keeping my mind blank and take medication that numbs me. A blank mind doesn’t hear voices or have hundreds of thoughts racing around inside it. A blank mind doesn’t get depressed or anxious. A blank mind doesn’t force me to sit here and think of ways to hurt or kill myself.
Even these blog posts are dumbed-down versions of the brilliant ideas I have in my head sometimes. I write what I am able to, not what I want to. Does that make any sense?
I have always hated my looks and body even before I started taking medication and got fat. No matter how many times my wife tells me I am handsome, I still think I am ugly.
When I have dreams or daydreams my mind always makes me look like someone else, someone better-looking.
I am 45 years old and I am fat, balding and just in a general state of disrepair. I used to worry about how I looked when I went out in public, but now I couldn’t care less.
I used to be a real go-getter. I was motivated and driven and always did the best I could no matter how small the task. I was a leader and rarely failed at anything.
I am the exact opposite these days. I am lazy and unmotivated and make terrible decisions. I don’t even try anymore, because everything I try to do well, I fail.
I didn’t sit down today and write this out so everyone would pity me. This is how I truthfully feel about myself. I wanted to write it and get it out in the open so I can move on from this place in my life. I don’t want to hate myself anymore. If I push away all the bad things, and look deep down within myself, I can see a good person waiting there, a person willing to love myself no matter what.
I don’t want to feel bad about myself anymore.
Do you suffer with a poor image of yourself? Do you ever wish you were a different person? Leave a comment and let me know I am not alone.
Follow me on Twitter: @SchizoIncognito