My Mind, Body and Spirit: I Hate Them All. Dealing with a Poor Self Image

I have been sitting here for the past hour trying to come up with one thing I like about myself today. I was going to write about the positive things in my life right now and things I am grateful for in my life. Sure, I love my wife and children, but I just wanted to find one thing I love about me.

I failed miserably.

What I did come up with are a few things I really hate about myself and I am going to be honest and write them down.

Mind
I use to think I had a great mind. I thought I was intelligent. After all, every semester of college I was on the Dean’s List and I graduated with a 4.0 GPA. I tutored others in my school, even the really hard math classes.

But that was many years ago. These days I can’t even remember which pills I have to take or even remember to take them. I can’t remember my kid’s birthdays or my anniversary.

I can’t even sit down and read a book because I can’t focus on anything anymore. I used to love to read anything, and I read several books a week. I would even sit down with the dictionary or an encyclopedia just to expand my knowledge.

Nowadays I try my best to focus on keeping my mind blank and take medication that numbs me. A blank mind doesn’t hear voices or have hundreds of thoughts racing around inside it. A blank mind doesn’t get depressed or anxious. A blank mind doesn’t force me to sit here and think of ways to hurt or kill myself.

Even these blog posts are dumbed-down versions of the brilliant ideas I have in my head sometimes. I write what I am able to, not what I want to. Does that make any sense?

Body
I have always hated my looks and body even before I started taking medication and got fat. No matter how many times my wife tells me I am handsome, I still think I am ugly.

When I have dreams or daydreams my mind always makes me look like someone else, someone better-looking.

I am 45 years old and I am fat, balding and just in a general state of disrepair. I used to worry about how I looked when I went out in public, but now I couldn’t care less.

Spirit
I used to be a real go-getter. I was motivated and driven and always did the best I could no matter how small the task. I was a leader and rarely failed at anything.

I am the exact opposite these days. I am lazy and unmotivated and make terrible decisions. I don’t even try anymore, because everything I try to do well, I fail.

++++++

I didn’t sit down today and write this out so everyone would pity me. This is how I truthfully feel about myself. I wanted to write it and get it out in the open so I can move on from this place in my life. I don’t want to hate myself anymore. If I push away all the bad things, and look deep down within myself, I can see a good person waiting there, a person willing to love myself no matter what.

I don’t want to feel bad about myself anymore.

Do you suffer with a poor image of yourself? Do you ever wish you were a different person? Leave a comment and let me know I am not alone.

Follow me on Twitter: @SchizoIncognito

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17 thoughts on “My Mind, Body and Spirit: I Hate Them All. Dealing with a Poor Self Image

  1. Massive thanks first for writing this. I too feel like that every damn day and it’s tiring. This is definitely the depression, although I’m pretty sure I’ve always felt this way. I can totally relate to everything you’ve written, it’s all too close for comfort.

  2. I’m sure that was a very difficult post to write, but hopefully getting those thoughts out of your head and onto the screen was in some way cathartic.
    Poor self image? You betcha!!! We share some facets: I was so smart, I had so much potential and the guts and gumption to take on almost anything, I used to be able to run half marathons and now can’t even jog because of all the weight I put on last year … so yes, you’re in company (I was going to write “good company” but then realized that would be somewhat ironic).
    I comfort myself by thinking that I’ll emerge from this slump and take up a more “normal” version of my life again – by which I guess I mean desirable, as I’ve accepted that I’ll be living with a mood disorder for the rest of my life, in one way or another.
    I hope today is one of the ever-so-slightly-better days.

  3. When it comes to poor self-image, you have more company than you can imagine. The story of my life. My entire life! So, I try not to dwell on it. Sometimes even pretend I feel better than I do so it will makes those around me not feel bad for me. (I hate pity!) I’ve finally identified what intensifies poor self-image/esteem for me: Lack of sleep! The only reason I know is because I got a decent nights sleep recently and everything looked different the whole next day! If you’re sleep deprived–which most of us are–that can play into it. Hope you have a better day!

      • I can also relate to this post, as well to Mandy’s comments.

        I certainly feel myself acting as if I feel ok about myself sometimes. Partly because I know that I need to be out in the world (for work and otherwise), and because it can be hard for me to be around some people who are constantly denigrating themselves.

  4. I very much relate with the mind part (well, all of the sections, but this one most of all). I used to love to read, and now it’s so hard to focus on anything. My job requires me to proof stories, which is extremely hard anymore when I have to keep reading the same paragraph over and over again. Mental illness really fogs the mind like nothing else. Thanks for writing this.

    • Im glad you can relate, it makes me feel like I am not alone.

      I hate not being able to concentrate on anything, there are some really good books I would like to read.

      Thank you for commenting!

  5. I can so relate to everything you posted as I have experienced almost all of this and other things in the course of my mental illness. Like you, I have as of yet to come to grips with the lost potential and how I can’t use my intelligence in a career. I too have gone through serious weight gain as I’ve gained almost two hundred pounds during the thirteen years of my treatment.

    What you wrote really struck a cord with me. It’s almost the story of my own life, give or take a few details.

  6. I’ve gone through times of poor self-image, though it isn’t consistent. There’s been pockets of it. A thought on the blank-mind thing you wrote about though. I don’t know what pills you’re currently on, but maybe ask your doctor if there are others you can try? I know there were some that I’ve had, particularly Seroquel and Geodon, that made me feel the same way–my mind was very slow and I was having trouble coming up with ideas. An article that might normally take me 20 minutes to read suddenly took two hours, and with Geodon I would often get disoriented and lose my way, even to places I went all the time. You might be as intelligent as you have ever been, but it might be a medicine that’s disagreeing with you?

    • Thanks for the idea, I never thought it might be my medications. The sad thing is, there are not as many medications available in the Philippines, so I don’t have many choices.

      Ahhh….the joys of living in a “developing” country.

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