As someone dealing with serious mental health issues, I’ve learned that any kind of silence is a blessing. My moods are not only affected by noise from the outside world, but also from the chattering and gibberish thoughts that run through my head constantly.
Every day I fight a losing battle to retain some semblance of sanity. Many times the only way to do this is by locking myself in my bedroom and laying on the bed with a pillow over my head. This works sometimes to drown out the noise from the outside, like lawnmowers running and children playing, but I am still left with the constant noise and activity assaulting my brain from the inside. I haven’t figured out a way to get rid of the noise in my head that doesn’t involve a handful of medication to make me sleep.
So far, the psychiatrists I’ve had never offered any help except high doses of anti-psychotics. The problem with these medications is you have to deal with the horrible side-effects that are sometimes worse than the symptoms you are trying to get rid of. But I still take them because there is nothing else I can do that will help. No doctor or therapist has ever shown me the skills to cope with the constant voices and racing thoughts assailing my brain. I am beginning to think maybe there aren’t any.
So, when I’m not sleeping, I look for opportunities to experience any small moment of silence, and I try to avoid situations where there tends to be lots of noise.
I get up at 2am every morning to write, because everyone else is asleep. This helps a little because there is no outside noise to deal with, but I still have to battle to write every sentence because of the inside brain noise and the mind fog from my medication.
One of the great joys in my life is writing, but days like today ruin the fun. It takes me hours to write even the more simple posts, because I catch myself zoning out and staring at the screen like a zombie listening to the voices screaming in my head.
I hope one day soon I can experience real silence again
This post was written in response to the Daily Posts’ Weekly Writing Challenge: The Sound of Silence.