I imagine the end of my life almost every day. I do this because I am mentally ill and I think about suicide more times than I would like to admit. It’s a daily battle with my sick mind and the voices I hear who are telling me to take the easy way out and end it all.
During my bad times I tend to glorify suicide. I’ve often said “suicide is easy, and I am tired of doing things the hard way”. When you get it in your head that suicide is the answer to all problems, it’s hard to shake those thoughts. It’s hard to think about all the things you have to live for when you have accepted that suicide is the only way to end the pain.
Do you know one of the things that keeps me from killing myself? It’s the legacy I would leave my children. I don’t want to be remembered by my kids as the dad who gave up on life, but as a fighter who didn’t let his mental health issues get the best of him.
I don’t want my kids to think it’s better to take the easy way out of their problems. It’s a known fact that many children will go on themselves to commit suicide when a parent ends his life by his own hand.
Another reason I don’t kill myself is I don’t want to be just another statistic. I want people to remember me as a champion who didn’t end it all, and went on to be driving force in helping others to fight their own battles with suicide. I am 45 years old and have been dealing with mental health issues for most of my life. I think I have much to offer others who are in pain, and see suicide as the only way out.
I started this blog as therapy for my own disturbing urges, but I see it turning into so much more in the future. I want to be an advocate for change, and help others by writing about how I deal with my own inner demons.
This post is a response to the Daily Prompt: Don’t you forget about me. We were asked to imagine yourselves at the end of our life. What sort of legacy will you leave? Describe the lasting effect you want to have on the world, after you’re gone.
Please follow me on Twitter: @SchizoIncognito