How do you feel?
My wife has been asking that question for the past couple of days. To me, it’s very hard to answer. I know she means well, so I try my best to reply, even though it’s tough to explain what exactly I feel like.
So this post is partly for my wife, because I know she reads my blog. It’s also for all my people out there dealing with mental issues like me.
Most of the time I can’t pinpoint what is making me depressed. It’s not that I am depressed for no reason, it’s just hard to put into words what I am feeling.
But I will try. I am depressed because:
- I miss my kids that live in the states. Many times I feel like I have abandoned them.
- I take to heart the mean things my wife says when she is in one of her rages.
- I just want to be “Normal”.
- I don’t have any friends to talk to. Sure my wife and parents listen, but it would be nice to have a best friend I can bounce things off of.
- I have terrible anxiety and I know I am missing out on so much because I can’t function properly.
- I have to take pills just to function at the low level that I do.
- I never seem to have enough money to give my family the things they want. We have enough just to barely get by.
- I feel like my life has no purpose and I feel so hopeless all the time
- My brain is foggy and I can’t write as well as I want to
I know there are many more reasons, but I can’t come up with any right now.
Except for the first 5 minutes after I wake, where I feel nothing at all, I feel anxiety every other minute of the day. There are a few times I am triggered into feeling anxiety, but most of the time its just a constant feeling that won’t go away.
I shake, my voice trembles and I have this terrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that never goes away, no matter how much Clonazepam I take. The random racing thoughts and voices I hear cause me a bit of disquiet too.
I used to only hear 3 distinct voices, but now I hear hundreds talking at the same time. It’s really bad when I am in a crowd of people because I feel like I can hear their thoughts. That is why I can’t stay at the mall for very long.
If I lay in bed and quiet my mind, I can make the voices less noticeable, and even sleep for a while. But when I leave the house it’s a constant babble in my head of negative voices.
In addition to the many voices I hear, I have thoughts that I can’t make out racing around in my head. It would be nice to harness all these thoughts and use them in my writing, but as soon as I focus my attention on any one of them, they skitter away.
The paranoia is closely related to the anxiety, voices and racing thoughts. I always have the feeling, no matter where I am, that someone is watching me and judging me. Whenever I go anywhere, I try to look down so I don’t have to meet anyone’s eyes.
I always feel I am on the verge of a major panic attack. The constant anxiety builds to a fever pitch and I just want to run screaming and crying back to my bed. I never know what will cause a panic attack, so I’m always trying to stay away from stressful situations.
Sadly, I think about killing myself all the time. When I am taking my meds, I wonder what would happen if I emptied all the bottles in my mouth and swallowed. When I am driving, I think about driving into big trucks and telephone poles when I pass them. When I am using a knife, I think how easy it would be to run the knife across my wrists.
These are just a sampling of the things that make up my mental illness. Every day there seems to be more and more to deal with, but these are the major ones that stick with me all the time.
Well, that is all I can write for now. My brain is fogging up and I can’t seem to write down the thoughts coming in to my head. I hope it gets better soon. Until then, I hope you bear with me.
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