I just tried to go back to sleep for a while after I wrote my posting for today, but images of the guy who molested me kept coming to my mind.
Ever since I wrote about the abuse I have been having bad thoughts and dreams about that time in my life. It’s so vivid to me, it’s like it just happened yesterday.
I have many different feelings about the abuse, but I think shame is the most prevalent. I know it wasn’t my fault that it happened, but that doesn’t stop the shame from making itself known. I always wonder if there was something I could have done to stop it.
One other emotion I feel is anger: Anger at him for doing this to me and anger at myself for obsessing about it. There is nothing I can do about it now. I can only hope he found himself in jail for preying on little kids.
I wonder if he did this to other kids in the neighborhood?
The image I think of the most was looking over at my brother while being abused, and him not doing anything about it. I would love to ask him what he was thinking at the time, but he is dead. So I have to live with these unanswered questions.
One last thing I feel anger about is the fact that I didn’t tell anyone about it, leaving him free to molest other kids. I could probably have saved a lot of other kids if I had just dealt with the embarrassment and told someone.
I regret my silence.