It’s been so hard for me to write anything worthwhile. I keep starting posts, but my mind won’t let me finish them so I end up quitting and saving them as drafts for later. I have about 10 drafts right now that are half-finished.
Like this morning, I started to write about why I don’t have any friends, and for a while it was going well, but after a while the voices and my own poison thoughts blocked up my brain and I wasn’t able to finish it.
The fact that I can’t write anything is causing me even more anxiety than I already have. I don’t have writers block, more like writers fog, because I can think of plenty of things to write about, but my fucked-up brain keeps me from finishing anything I start.
All hubris aside, I think I am an intelligent person, but all the crazy running through my head is making me feel like a moron. I can’t even have a good conversation with my wife because all my words are swallowed up by the noise in my head.
I have experienced this before, but it was never this bad. I just sit here and hope that the new dosage of medication will finally clear my head and I can write again. At least when my brain clears I will have plenty of drafts to finish.
For now, I guess I will just write what I can. I always seem to be able to write about how I am feeling at the moment. Besides the voices and the uncontrolled racing thoughts I have depression, anxiety, paranoia, suicidal thoughts and the ever-present panic attacks.
My wife and I have been trying to figure out when all this shit started and I think it was shortly after my psychiatrist lowered the dosage of all my meds. She mostly did it because I mentioned that I was having a hard time affording all the pills I was on. Now that I am on higher dosages again, we are back to spending all our money on medications. This causes me so much guilt and makes me feel weak-willed, even though I know it’s not my fault.
I just hope all my readers will stick with me as I am going through all of this. Things will get better, I just don’t know when.
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