Every day I tell myself that things can’t get any worse, and I am always proved wrong. I really am trying to take the advice of my fellow bloggers and think positively about my life, but I have been failing miserably. Some good things happened yesterday, but I am sitting here today only thinking about the bad stuff that happened.
I feel I need to take a break here because my internet connection is fucked and I am feeling so much anger right now. All I wanted to do first-thing today was reply to all the comments that have been backing up, but I can’t open my WordPress dashboard (or any other page) because the fucktards at Globe can’t seem to stop jerking off to porn long enough to fix my connection.
After I wrote my post yesterday, I went back to bed for a couple of hours. When I got up I felt horrible, but the wife wanted me to go to the farm and pick up her parents and bring them back to the house. After I retrieved them, I went straight upstairs and went to bed.
Ok, so my internet is still not working and I am so pissed off I can’t seem to write. I don’t know why I am so angry, I don’t usually allow myself to let things bother me this much. I have too many things to feel bad about, I don’t need this paralyzing anger messing up my writing time.
Fuck it! I’m going back to bed…
Well, it’s 3:30am and I am up again. I tried to go back to bed, but I was too upset to sleep. No, my internet is still not working. I don’t know why I am so mad about something I have no control over, but I am. I can’t tell you how many cigarettes I have smoked trying to calm myself down.
So after I was in bed for about an hour, the wife came up, saw me in bed, and got angry. Instead of shutting down like I normally do, I told her the truth about how I was feeling. To my relief, she seemed concerned and texted my doctor to see if she could see me on short notice. I didn’t really want to go to my doctor, because I was afraid if she knew I was hearing voices and feeling very suicidal she would want to admit me to the hospital. I decided to go anyway.
I took a pill to calm me down. I am going to try and sleep again because I am too pissed off to write anything.
It’s 5:30 am and my connection started working again, and I feel a bit more calm from the pills I took.
By the time I got to the doctor’s office, the wife and I had several fights and I was feeling terrible. I was sitting in the waiting area and I just started to freak out. I felt like everyone was watching me and I could swear I heard them talking about me inside their heads. The noise inside my head was unbearable and I was getting more and more angry the longer I sat there. The doctor was running late, and I wanted to leave, because I could sit out there with all those people staring at me.
Finally after an hour, she called me in and by that time I was feeling so bad I didn’t feel like talking. It was a good thing my wife came in with me, because I was unable to say very much. The doctor increased the dosage of my anti-psychotic and anti-anxiety med and thankfully didn’t push to put me in the hospital. I could tell she was hurrying to get us out of there and it made me mad and upset and feeling like it was a mistake going there.
We got in the car to drive home, but I don’t remember much about the drive accept that my wife started crying because she said I was driving crazy. I didn’t even realize I was, because I was thinking all these thoughts and not paying attention to my driving. We did make it home safely, but by the time we got there I was feeling worse than when I left. My wife was still mad because I made her cry from my driving, and she said she was taking the baby and going to the farm.
That’s when I decided it was a perfect time to kill myself. No one would be home and I lay in bed composing suicide notes in my head and deciding just how many pills it would take to kill me. I had no doubts in my mind that I was going to do it. The only thing that stopped me was my wife came in the room and apologized and we held each other and cried and for the first time in a long time we talked. I felt she was truly concerned about me and it touched my heart and snapped me back to reality.
So as you can see from this post, I am still here. For now I am not suicidal, and I am really feeling like I can talk to my wife if I need to or if I feel like killing myself again.
Another disaster averted at the last minute.
I’m glad I didn’t kill myself.
Thank you readers for putting up with my ranting. I don’t know where all that anger came from, but I feel better now. I promise I will reply to all the wonderful comments people left the past couple of days.