I’m not in the mood to think of a witty and interesting title

Yesterday, I had some sort of mental breakdown

For a while now, I have been having terrible depression and anxiety, and in the past few days it has only gotten worse. I was feeling hideous yesterday, but my wife said she was feeling bad too and needed to get out of the house.

So we went to the mall. Not the best place to go when you are in a bad mental state, but I did it for my wife so she could feel better. The crowds of people immediately bothered me, so I tried to concentrate on my breathing and calm my mind. I was pushing Baby Z in the stroller, so I focused on weaving through the mass of people and tried not to look at anybody at the same time. I could feel everyone looking at me like, “Who is this big, ugly white guy ruining our Filipino paradise?” I know I was not being rational, but I couldn’t help it.

It didn’t take long for things to get much worse. For the first time in a very long time, the voices made themselves known. At first I thought it was just meaningless chatter going on in my head, like normal. But soon, I recognized the three voices that have haunted my head for decades, and I had to steady myself because I almost fainted.

My “friends” weren’t addressing me; they were talking among themselves about something I couldn’t quite make out, but they seemed to be very happy about it. I was completely freaked out, but I tried not to let it show, because my wife looked like she was feeling a little better and I didn’t want to ruin her mood again. I did my best to look like everything was okay, and I think I did a pretty good job for a while.

The babbling of voices must have started to bother me so much that it showed on my face, because my wife asked me what was wrong. I knew if I told her what was really going on she would get upset, so I just said I wasn’t feeling good and left it at that. But, she got upset anyway. I could tell from the pinched look on her face that she was mad at me, and she grabbed the stroller and quickly pushed Baby Z towards the nearest exit.

When we got to the car, she let me have it. She said I was “rushing her” so I could go home and go to bed. She ranted on and on and I did my best to assure her I was trying to have a good time so she would feel better. But, as usual, she wasn’t listening to me. She was in full-on rage mode and nothing I said made a difference.

Her yelling only made all the feelings I was trying to hide worse. I started the car so the air conditioning would come on and just sat there staring in to space, not moving. I didn’t trust myself to drive. Many feelings were boiling through my head: depression, anxiety, anger, hopelessness. And the whole time the voices were buzzing away.

After a while, I just gave up and put the car in gear and pulled away. The wife was still raging away and told me she wanted me to drop her and Baby Z off at the farm. She didn’t want to be around me. I listened to her relentless tirade until we picked her brother up from work and thankfully she stopped and started talking to him.

We finally got to the farm and she got out. I told her I would pick her up later and drove away towards home. As soon as I got far enough away where she wouldn’t see me, I immediately started to cry. It wasn’t a “wetness in the corner of my eye cry”, it was a full-on whole body-shaking cry. I don’t even remember how I got home I was crying so hard.

When I finally made it to the safety of my house, and in my bed with a pillow over my head, I let out everything I was trying to hold back. I was near hysterics, but I didn’t care. I don’t know how long I lay there, but when I finally stopped crying, I felt sleepy and nauseous.

Sometime during this crying episode, the voices stopped talking among themselves and started talking to me. They hadn’t changed much in their absence; all they wanted was for me to kill myself, and I had to admit, I wanted that too.

I wanted all the pain to end.

I’ve spent all my waking moments since then planning my death. I even dreamed about it when I finally went to sleep.

I haven’t said a word of this to my wife, because after yesterday, I know she really doesn’t care how I feel. If I told her what was going on, she would probably just get angry and stop talking to me.

I feel so alone. I feel like no one cares at all. The voices are starting to make a lot of sense: suicide is easy, and I am tired of doing things the hard way.

I just went and had a cigarette and came back and reread all that I have written this morning. Don’t worry; I am not going to kill myself. I just needed to get my feelings out. If I was going to kill myself, I would just do it and not talk about it.

I will probably just lie in bed all day and post my feelings on Twitter. If you want to follow me, my username is @SchizoIncognito.

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14 thoughts on “I’m not in the mood to think of a witty and interesting title

  1. I’m so sorry for your pain. Do you feel you miss the states or family? I know it’s hard being different. I wish there was a small bit of hope in all this for you to hang on to. For me, it seems like the best way to cope is to have a goal of any kind. To focus on. I’m so glad you are able to put your feelings on paper and not turn it on your physical self. I just thought if you had a goal to visit familiar, things, places that are familiar, you might be able to use that for a goal.

  2. I get it, sorry about the resurgence of the voices. It is so hard for people to understand that experience and with added stress, at least for me, the voices get worse. From talking to themselves, narrating, or talking about you to commands, suggestions, and demeaning comments. Something that helps me is to put music on, headphones especially work well, it drowns out the voices and makes things mumbled so you can’t understand their rants and commands. I would also suggestion taking some as needed meds, if you have any. Sometimes waking up. you notice they are gone or controllable. Best of luck!!!

  3. Sorry about your rough road. You definitely have a lot going on all at once. I hope you pull through. I have schizophrenia myself and I have my problems too. You are not alone. I too want to see the stigma surrounding mental illness destroyed.

  4. I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. I have schizoaffective disorder and I hate the voices that circulate through my head when I try to go out on a normal day to the mall with my husband the way you described, it’s the worst. It’s like being robbed, isn’t it? I’m proud of you for being able to articulate what your felt and being able to share with everyone what you experienced, because I firmly believe that doing so breaks down walls, builds community and makes us all stronger. Thankyou for sharing…and don’t give up. I can tell you are such a strong person by being a father and a husband, those are not easy things to be, aside from having a mental illness as well. I applaud your strength. Keep going! I know you can do it.

    • Thank you for coming by, it’s nice to find someone else who understands. You’re right that we need to break down the walls and build an unbreakable community.

      Thank you for your support. It’s words like yours that keep me writing.

      Happy blogging! Looking forward to seeing more posts from you in the future.

  5. I’m so sorry you had this day. I don’t know if this will help you or not, but sometimes when I hear mean voices I try to tell myself “Just cuz they’re a voice from somewhere else doesn’t mean they’re right. Or even SMART.” It doesn’t always work but sometimes. Whatever is best for you to try and cope, try and take extra good care of yourself and Baby Z.

    • Thanks….I find that writing about the voices keeps them away for a while, and of course trying to stay away from triggers like large crowds.

      thanks for commenting, I’ll be seeing you around.

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