Yesterday, I had some sort of mental breakdown
For a while now, I have been having terrible depression and anxiety, and in the past few days it has only gotten worse. I was feeling hideous yesterday, but my wife said she was feeling bad too and needed to get out of the house.
So we went to the mall. Not the best place to go when you are in a bad mental state, but I did it for my wife so she could feel better. The crowds of people immediately bothered me, so I tried to concentrate on my breathing and calm my mind. I was pushing Baby Z in the stroller, so I focused on weaving through the mass of people and tried not to look at anybody at the same time. I could feel everyone looking at me like, “Who is this big, ugly white guy ruining our Filipino paradise?” I know I was not being rational, but I couldn’t help it.
It didn’t take long for things to get much worse. For the first time in a very long time, the voices made themselves known. At first I thought it was just meaningless chatter going on in my head, like normal. But soon, I recognized the three voices that have haunted my head for decades, and I had to steady myself because I almost fainted.
My “friends” weren’t addressing me; they were talking among themselves about something I couldn’t quite make out, but they seemed to be very happy about it. I was completely freaked out, but I tried not to let it show, because my wife looked like she was feeling a little better and I didn’t want to ruin her mood again. I did my best to look like everything was okay, and I think I did a pretty good job for a while.
The babbling of voices must have started to bother me so much that it showed on my face, because my wife asked me what was wrong. I knew if I told her what was really going on she would get upset, so I just said I wasn’t feeling good and left it at that. But, she got upset anyway. I could tell from the pinched look on her face that she was mad at me, and she grabbed the stroller and quickly pushed Baby Z towards the nearest exit.
When we got to the car, she let me have it. She said I was “rushing her” so I could go home and go to bed. She ranted on and on and I did my best to assure her I was trying to have a good time so she would feel better. But, as usual, she wasn’t listening to me. She was in full-on rage mode and nothing I said made a difference.
Her yelling only made all the feelings I was trying to hide worse. I started the car so the air conditioning would come on and just sat there staring in to space, not moving. I didn’t trust myself to drive. Many feelings were boiling through my head: depression, anxiety, anger, hopelessness. And the whole time the voices were buzzing away.
After a while, I just gave up and put the car in gear and pulled away. The wife was still raging away and told me she wanted me to drop her and Baby Z off at the farm. She didn’t want to be around me. I listened to her relentless tirade until we picked her brother up from work and thankfully she stopped and started talking to him.
We finally got to the farm and she got out. I told her I would pick her up later and drove away towards home. As soon as I got far enough away where she wouldn’t see me, I immediately started to cry. It wasn’t a “wetness in the corner of my eye cry”, it was a full-on whole body-shaking cry. I don’t even remember how I got home I was crying so hard.
When I finally made it to the safety of my house, and in my bed with a pillow over my head, I let out everything I was trying to hold back. I was near hysterics, but I didn’t care. I don’t know how long I lay there, but when I finally stopped crying, I felt sleepy and nauseous.
Sometime during this crying episode, the voices stopped talking among themselves and started talking to me. They hadn’t changed much in their absence; all they wanted was for me to kill myself, and I had to admit, I wanted that too.
I wanted all the pain to end.
I’ve spent all my waking moments since then planning my death. I even dreamed about it when I finally went to sleep.
I haven’t said a word of this to my wife, because after yesterday, I know she really doesn’t care how I feel. If I told her what was going on, she would probably just get angry and stop talking to me.
I feel so alone. I feel like no one cares at all. The voices are starting to make a lot of sense: suicide is easy, and I am tired of doing things the hard way.
I just went and had a cigarette and came back and reread all that I have written this morning. Don’t worry; I am not going to kill myself. I just needed to get my feelings out. If I was going to kill myself, I would just do it and not talk about it.
I will probably just lie in bed all day and post my feelings on Twitter. If you want to follow me, my username is @SchizoIncognito.