Brain dump: My thoughts are coming out like diarrhea

It’s 3am and I have sitting here at my little desk for an hour trying to figure out what to write. The thing is, I have so much swirling around in my head right now, but as soon as I try to focus on one thing, it flutters out of my head like a little bird. So, I am just going to sit here and write about whatever pops in my head, in the hopes that I can settle on one subject to write about.

Baby Z was just crying at the top of her lungs because she has a bad case of diaper rash. She has been having diarrhea the past couple of days, and all of the wiping is causing her a lot of pain. Sadly, she ran out of rash medicine last night, so as soon as the drugstore opens I am going to go get her some more.

Speaking of the drugstore, I have to go get my medications today. I ran out of 3 of them yesterday, so I have no choice. I hate it because they are so expensive, and I always feel guilty spending so much money. I know I need my medications, but I hate forking over all that money. It makes me feel like a weak person that I have to buy something to keep me from going completely bonkers. If I was strong, I wouldn’t need pills to elevate and control my moods (anyway, that is what my mind is telling me right now).

Why do I like smoking so much? I was just outside having a cigarette and I was thinking what a dirty habit it is. But I love it. I don’t see myself quitting anytime soon. It sounds crazy, but one of the reasons I like it so much is that I might get cancer and I could die. It’s like slow suicide. It’s weird, but it is how my mind is thinking right now.

It’s starting to get very hot in the Philippines (yes, I just realized that I gave up a secret about myself, but I really don’t care right now). I think winter is over. I say we had winter, but I doubt if it ever got under 75 degrees. It’s funny to me when my wife has to use a blanket because she is feeling a chill and I am lying in bed half-naked because I am sweating.

I’m trying to avoid looking at myself in the mirror for two reasons: I am starting to feel like I look old and I am gaining weight. Normally, I don’t care very much how I look, but I was at the mall and walked by a full-length mirror and hardly recognized myself.

I really hate all this anxiety that I have been feeling. It’s been making me feel nauseated the past couple of days and one of the worst feelings is thinking I might puke at any moment.

I can’t figure out if I can’t take a shit because I am getting older or because my meds are making me constipated.

There is no other way to say it: depression sucks.

I have really become obsessed with Twitter. I keep it open all the time and check it constantly. I wish I had more followers. I don’t even know how to get more. If you have Twitter, please add me. I will follow you back. My username is @SchizoIncognito.

I feel guilty about not writing a post yesterday. I slept through my normal writing time and then was feeling so bad during the day that instead of writing something, I napped. I don’t want to get in the habit of not posting every day because I tend to lose interest in things and I really want to keep my blog going. This is my only therapeutic outlet.

I finally bought a new chair with extra padding, but if I sit too long, I still get Bloggers Butt. I used to have a nice butt when I was younger with plenty of padding, but the older I get the less fat I have on my ass. I would like to move some of the fat from my stomach to my buttocks.

I have been thinking about taking some online creative writing courses. I really want to turn this writing thing into a paying gig, but I don’t really think I am good enough yet. Anyone know of any good courses I can take online? I don’t know, maybe I am underestimating my writing abilities. I have a tendency to be very tough on myself.

Oh well, I just reread everything I wrote and it makes no sense. My mind is still churning, but all that is coming out is garbage. I think I will quit for the day and finally reply to some comments on previous posts.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.


2 thoughts on “Brain dump: My thoughts are coming out like diarrhea

  1. Made sense to me. I just quit smoking after 20 years. It’s tough. I, too, really enjoyed it. About posting every day: I fell into that trap (still do). Now I try to write only when I really want which is still most days but I still can get down when I “miss” a day.

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