The past couple of days have been a nightmare. Yesterday was especially bad. I was so depressed and anxious that I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I couldn’t write anything, my mind was blocked. I’m still feeling pretty bad because it’s taking everything I have just to put these few words down in writing.
It’s been a very long time since I have felt this bad. I had been doing very well the last month, I only had minor episodes of depression and anxiety, and I was able to handle those and get past them fairly easy.
I spent yesterday in bed. Every time I thought I could get up the anxiety ripped through me and kept me down in the bed. For the first time in a very long time I seriously thought about suicide. As I lay in bed, I couldn’t think about much else than ending the pain I was feeling. I also thought a lot about cutting myself because nothing else I did made me feel better.
Thankfully, I didn’t act on my impulses. Every time I thought about going to the bathroom to cut, I looked at the scars on my arms and remembered that I don’t want to get back in that pattern. Every time I thought about killing myself, I listened to my wonderful wife and child roaming around downstairs and turned away from it.
Its 2am, my usual writing time, and I feel like I won a huge battle just by getting my ass out of bed and attempting to write. I’m not feeling a whole lot of inspiration, but at least I’m trying to get these feelings out of my head.
Hopefully this is a sign that I turned a corner and I am going to start feeling better.