Back on the crazy train and I can’t get off

The past couple of days have been a nightmare. Yesterday was especially bad. I was so depressed and anxious that I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I couldn’t write anything, my mind was blocked. I’m still feeling pretty bad because it’s taking everything I have just to put these few words down in writing.

It’s been a very long time since I have felt this bad. I had been doing very well the last month, I only had minor episodes of depression and anxiety, and I was able to handle those and get past them fairly easy.

I spent yesterday in bed. Every time I thought I could get up the anxiety ripped through me and kept me down in the bed. For the first time in a very long time I seriously thought about suicide. As I lay in bed, I couldn’t think about much else than ending the pain I was feeling. I also thought a lot about cutting myself because nothing else I did made me feel better.

Thankfully, I didn’t act on my impulses. Every time I thought about going to the bathroom to cut, I looked at the scars on my arms and remembered that I don’t want to get back in that pattern. Every time I thought about killing myself, I listened to my wonderful wife and child roaming around downstairs and turned away from it.

Its 2am, my usual writing time, and I feel like I won a huge battle just by getting my ass out of bed and attempting to write. I’m not feeling a whole lot of inspiration, but at least I’m trying to get these feelings out of my head.

Hopefully this is a sign that I turned a corner and I am going to start feeling better.

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5 thoughts on “Back on the crazy train and I can’t get off

  1. you have great strength to resist the temptation to hurt yourself and stay in bed instead. Even more so that you managed to get these words out onto your blog. It is progress, even though it may not feel that way. Taking the shittiest of days and choosing not to go down the same path. Big hugs. You are healing.

  2. I couldn’t agree more with the person above me. You are AWESOME for what you did today! Don’t take that from yourself. You not only put your wife and child before your own impulses( very selfless! :-D) you resisted an old habit that is really hard to resist! Someone get this man a taco, STAT!

  3. So so glad you checked in. You know how I worry about my peeps 🙂 This is not a failure. A little set back, but that’s it. Rest and be okay with taking it easy.

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