I haven’t written as much as I normally do the past couple of days. I still get up at 2:30 am every morning to write, but more often than not I sit and stare at a blank page, unable to write anything. Depression and anxiety have been tearing around inside my body and locking up my brain. My thoughts are racing out of control and nothing I do can stop them.
I think my biggest stressor right now is my wife and her uncontrolled anger and rage. I walk around all day dreading the next episode. She is such a lovely and caring person, but when she gets in a rage, she gets so mean and nasty that I forget all the good. It’s sad, but the only way I have been dealing with it is by hiding from her whenever I can. I can only hope that my psychiatrist can do something for her, because I am quickly running out of rope.
I have become convinced that my wife is mentally ill. I am not a doctor, so I won’t try to label her with some kind of disorder, but the more I think about it, the more the pieces fit. She is often depressed and anxious, and when in a rage, she sometimes tries to hurt herself. She has even threatened suicide on a few occasions. I do what I can to try to help, and we do have talks about it in her more lucid moments, but everything I have tried to do has not seemed to help at all.
It’s 4am and all I can do is worry that she will be up in a few hours and I know I will have to deal with her. The only thing I can do is hope that we have a calm day, but deep down I know we won’t.