Depressed and running out of rope

I haven’t written as much as I normally do the past couple of days. I still get up at 2:30 am every morning to write, but more often than not I sit and stare at a blank page, unable to write anything. Depression and anxiety have been tearing around inside my body and locking up my brain. My thoughts are racing out of control and nothing I do can stop them.

I think my biggest stressor right now is my wife and her uncontrolled anger and rage. I walk around all day dreading the next episode. She is such a lovely and caring person, but when she gets in a rage, she gets so mean and nasty that I forget all the good. It’s sad, but the only way I have been dealing with it is by hiding from her whenever I can. I can only hope that my psychiatrist can do something for her, because I am quickly running out of rope.

I have become convinced that my wife is mentally ill. I am not a doctor, so I won’t try to label her with some kind of disorder, but the more I think about it, the more the pieces fit. She is often depressed and anxious, and when in a rage, she sometimes tries to hurt herself. She has even threatened suicide on a few occasions. I do what I can to try to help, and we do have talks about it in her more lucid moments, but everything I have tried to do has not seemed to help at all.

It’s 4am and all I can do is worry that she will be up in a few hours and I know I will have to deal with her. The only thing I can do is hope that we have a calm day, but deep down I know we won’t.

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “Depressed and running out of rope

  1. -.- I hate wordpress right now

    you’re RRRREEALLLLLYYY mad and then you wanna hang yourself the next because you’re worthless BECAUSE you were mad. Yeah…been there. Now that I’ve kicked the depression, I’m not so angry anymore…

  2. Your tweets are concerning me. Please remember there is always hope; find something that has meaning in the moment, and keep breathing. Deep, calming, life affirming breaths. The other choice is not an option. It is not an option.

    Do something opposite of how you are feeling when you find yourself in those dark places. Watch something funny, make yourself half-smile, find a comfort source – a book, a person, a song.

  3. When your wife is lucid is it possible to have an honest conversation with her that you’re concerned both for her and the way it makes you feel, and that she may need to talk to someone? If she is mentally ill as well, she may be dealing with a lot of pain.

  4. It must be horrible, knowing that you have to deal with this each day. However, I must say I think it is so admirable that in spite of your problems you have not just turned away from each other. You have so much to deal with yourself and yet you are still willing to stand by your wife and support her in getting the help she needs, when it must take so much energy just looking after yourself. I truly respect you both for that.

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