Anger management: My wife loses control and I lose my mind

Ever since I wrote the post Anger Management: Road rage, I have been trying to control my anger when I am driving on the roads. I’ve done a fairly good job, so I have expanded the control to other areas of my life where I sometimes experience anger.

I’ve found that really the only other time I get angry is when my lovely wife gets in to one of her rages. More times than I would like to count, my wife loses control and starts to yell, most of the time for no good reason. I never know what she is going to get mad at, so I often walk on eggshells around her. I don’t do this because I am scared of her, but because I usually respond with my own anger.

Anger - Rage

My wife’s rages always follow a pattern. I never know what is going to start it off. For example, yesterday she mentioned it was Valentine’s Day next month and asked what we are going to do. I didn’t answer right away because I hadn’t made plans yet. We were eating at the time, so I looked up from shoveling food in my mouth and immediately could tell she was angry. I was powerless to stop it. She started yelling about how I never do anything for her, how I was an insensitive bastard and she wished she never married me. I quickly lost my appetite, so I got up and put my plate in the sink. This didn’t stop her tirade, she was already to the part where she says she hates me and wants me to pack up and leave. Instead of responding with my own anger, I closed my mouth and let her vent. The problem with letting her vent is she never runs out of steam. She continued ranting the rest of the day, and I did my best to avoid her. I found out something about myself yesterday. When I don’t release my anger, all I am left with is sickening depression. Granted, when I used to get angry and yell back at her I still ended up hopeless and sad. Now I just go straight to the dumps, and sitting there alongside depression is my other friend, anxiety.

I really can’t stay upset at my wife for her rages, she truthfully can’t control them. We have talked about it in one of her lucid moments and have decided she is going to see my psychiatrist next month when we have the money. I can’t stand the pressure and stress anymore, and neither can she. We just spent a tearful moment talking about it, because I told her I was writing about her, and I know she hates her rages as much as I do.

I know she is probably going to go into another rage today and my stomach boils with anxiety at the thought of it. I know I will spend another day depressed. This is my life for now. But I know she will finally get some help and one day very soon she won’t respond to everything with anger.

As for me, I am going to continue to control my anger and I will deal with my depression and anxiety the best way I can.

Have any of you dealt with similar circumstances? Please leave a comment and tell me what’s on your mind.

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13 thoughts on “Anger management: My wife loses control and I lose my mind

  1. I came from Z2H. No, I have not had rage like that. When I lived with someone we were both caring for each other, and it helped that we had no particular financial worries.

    I have no advice but- if it helps in the slightest- I feel for you. And- I do not find it “incoherent ramblings” but quite well thought through and arranged.

  2. I suppress my anger much more than I express it, but I have learned from my DBT therapist what the Distress Tolerance skills are, and what to do when emotions are so extreme.

    I use the TIP skills of DBT for anxiety. T = Tip your body chemistry – if you apply ice to your forehead for five minutes during moments of intense distress it will reduce the stress; I – Intense exercise, P – Paced breathing. It’s been proven scientifically that all of those can alter body chemistry and calm your heightened emotions. They can’t all be done in every situation, but there are other distress tolerance skills you can use that involve distraction, self-soothing, and improving the moment you are in. They have also helped me when suicidal thoughts are triggered.

    I will get repetitive mentioning DBT, and everyone has to find a therapy that works for them, but I feel like DBT is saving my life after a lifetime of unhealthy behaviors; I can’t express how helpful it is to finally have specific skills to apply to life situations.

    • I’m glad you found something that works for you, I see you do talk about it in your blog too. I have been having a hard time finding a therapist in the country I live in, but I may have finally found one that will see me through Skype so I might try him.

      Thanks for the advice, I really do appreciate it.

  3. I really feel for you. Anger from other people triggers extreme anxiety in me so I won’t tolerate it from anyone. I choose to stay completely away if I discover they have that problem. I’ve tried helping people with their anger issues but decided I don’t want to try to fix other people – I’m a big enough job Lol ! I feel terrible that you have to go through it- anger is pretty awful …

  4. I used to have explosive anger issues, but have mellowed out over the years. It may not help for the worst of cases, but deep breathing exercises have helped me a lot. Yoga and meditation can also help, but of course, it’s not a cure… just takes the edge off, and can sometimes help you examine yourself as to why you’re so angry. I wish you luck with this; it’s a lose-lose for all sides when anger takes over.

  5. My wife goes into rages without warning and these follow the same pattern where she starts to wail and screech at the top of her voice. In lucid moments she never swears but her language within her rages is frankly terrible. The rant kicks off with events of almost 30 years ago that displeased her, then she recounts events from 20 years etc down to last month or last week. She detests my mother in particular and drags up bike about her as well as references to my fathers recent death, even though I never knew him. I have stood by her through alcoholism even supporting her when she was arrested for drink driving and still our life is hell. I have now resisted shouting back, I lock myself in the spare room with the radio on as she shouts and screams a repeatred monologue through the closed door. Our sons are all alienated by her behaviour and she takes great pride in telling her friends how hard done by she is with me. I can’t win and have become increasingly weakened and accepting of her endless moans and protests. I hate my life and I can’t afford to leave as it’s a joint account and we are down to bare bones since she admitted to having run up debts of £50000 about 10 years ago which I have continue to pay off under a managed plan. My wife looks after her elderly mum and uses this against me making me out to be uncaring. Her temper is systematic and I wish I could get back the woman I once loved.

    • Sounds like you have a lot to deal with. I don’t have much to offer in the way of advice, but I hoped just getting all that out of your system helped you just a bit.

      My wife has calmed down a lot and I am very thankful for it.

      Hoping for better days for you!

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