Suicide: My first brush with death

I was 25 years old the first time I was going to kill myself.

I was curled up naked in my closet, crying uncontrollably, with the barrel of a loaded 9mm in my mouth. The hammer was pulled back and my index finger was taut on the trigger so that it took only a twitch for the gun to go off.

I had been this way for hours.

Then, the phone rang…


It was a very turbulent time in my life.

I was feeling the beginnings of what very soon would be a full-blown mental illness. I didn’t know the labels at the time, but I was feeling the effects of serious depression, an anxiety disorder and paranoia. All I knew was that I felt lost and sad most of the time, and I lived in constant fear of something I couldn’t put a name to.

My first wife and I were separated for the first time and I very rarely ever got to see my kids. They lived in Tucson and I was two hours away. I moved around Arizona several times following the promise of being the manager of a rent-to-own store. I worked 70 to 80 hours per week with only Sundays off. I hated everything about my job. But, I was making very decent money, plus all the performance bonuses, so I stuck with it.

I hung out after work with my employees, who turned out to be the “wrong crowd” I heard so much about. I was medicating my sorrows with alcohol, meth and pot every night. I didn’t realize it at the time, but the drugs and booze only intensified the feelings of utter hopelessness and anguish.

I was obsessed with anything paramilitary and survivalist. I filled my head with any information I could find on the subjects and spent thousands on guns and survival supplies. I was convinced that life as we knew it would end soon and I was going to be ready. I was also sure I was being watched, so I kept loaded guns all over my apartment.

It was a time before I saw a doctor, took any medication, or sat through even one boring therapy session.


The phone had been ringing off and on for about 15 minutes now. It was irritating me enough that I stopped crying and I put down the gun. I sat up listening to the steady ring. The meth I snorted 6 hours ago was still making my head pulse with every ring of the phone.

I had to answer it.

I stood up in the dark closet and touched the wall to steady myself. I opened the door and immediately the light flooded in and temporarily blinded me.

The phone kept ringing.

After my eyes finally adjusted to the light seeping in through the blinds I walked across the room and picked up the phone. It was my mom.

“Hey, are you okay? Your dad and I thought something was wrong.”


19 thoughts on “Suicide: My first brush with death

  1. *hugs* this was a really intense read. It is really scary when you think about death like that for the first time, it must have been really difficult to write all this and i really admire for doing it. Thank you for sharing 🙂

  2. Parents have that weird sixth sense when something isn’t quite right with their kids. They also have a sense for when you’re about to take the last of the scrumptous snacks… -.- so annoying

    I’m sorry you were pushed to that point, but I’m glad you made it through. I’m happy you wrote about it, and it must be such a relief to get it off your chest.

  3. I’m not surprised it took you two days to write this, Schizo. These are moments in a life that sometimes years later just grab you–like did that really happen?, and oh my god, it could have been a different outcome. I thought about my brother reading that. I’m so glad you’re still here, to write this story. You’re very brave, Schizo. And strong, too. Thanks for sharing that. 🙂

  4. parents especially mom is one treasure. The connection between parents and kid is a wonderful thing. It’s amazing you write about this, I hope you will release the trouble feeling easier by writing. The “wrong crowd” comes to my attention. I’m in this kind of crowd now, but not alcoholic kind, more into a mentally wrong and i am really trying to untie the knot with them. This post have pushed me harder.

    • I hope this helped you. It was a tough one to write. I sat up last night in bed and just shook for a minute. Its almost like I was writing about a different person.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I really do appreciate it.

      Untie the knot and get away from the wrong crowd. Please let me know how things are going for you. If you dont write about it first. 🙂

      • Thanks for sharing. I feel really glad to know that my comment is appreciated, it’s a nice feeling. i will definitely write about it. 🙂

  5. For what it’s worth, I just thought I’d let you know that I think this is really well written. I enjoy this style of writting (unrelated to the topic). I’m sorry you had to go through that, like others said, you’re really brave.

    • Thank you for commenting on my writing. One of the things I suffer from is a poor self-image and its nice to hear that someone liked the way I write. It brought a smile to my face.

      Thank you again….happy blogging!

    • Thank you very much. From what I’ve seen on your blog you are honest and brave too. Please keep it up, we need more people to be honest about their feelings.

      I am following you now. I cant wait to see more.

      Happy Blogging!

  6. Thank you for writing this. I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts for the past month, and your powerful telling is very scary and brings a whole different perspective on the matter (I’m finally getting help from a doctor now). I’m very glad you got through that time. Thanks for sharing something so personal.

    • I’m glad you got to a doctor. The anti-depressants might take a few days to work so don’t worry. I hope you get some relief.

      Thanks for stopping by….I will be keeping up with your progress as you write about it.

      Keep your head up!

    • Thank you for coming by!

      I hope you start to feel a little better soon. I know that it sucks to be in a depression you can’t get out of.

      I’ll be watching you from now on….oops I mean following. I want to see thing improving for you

      Happy Blogging!

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