I have been up since 5:00 AM, trying to catch up on all the postings of the blogs I like. It seems many of my fellow bloggers are experiencing some of the same feelings as I. The holidays are a tough time for people with mental illness and I for one will be glad to see them over and done so I can get back into a “normal” healthy pattern.
We have one more party to attend this year and I am trying to psych myself up for it. On New Years Eve our street at the subdivision is having a Christmas/NYE gathering. There should be many people there and I am not looking forward to standing by myself while all the others are talking among themselves in another language. I always feel their eyes on me as they whisper. It’s not just paranoia, they really do talk about me. I have learned to recognize certain key words they use when they are talking about the huge white guy. But, I am going to make the best of it and smile like a fool for them. It’s the least I can do for my wife. I don’t want to embarrass her in front of all of our neighbors.
We are going to the farm today to visit with my wife’s parents and siblings. I really enjoy the peace and solitude. It may not look like much, but I have some really great memories of that place.
We finally made it to the farm. I forgot we had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my Prozac. I’ve said it before, but psych medications are very expensive here in paradise. I hate going to pick up pills. The last time I went to the drugstore, some really big woman came in and just pushed me out of the way and to the front of the line. It was rude, but I managed to be nice about it and just said “Excuse you”.
I’m feeling horrible anxiety today. The muscles in my stomach are so clenched that they hurt when I move. Hopefully it will go away very soon, I can’t stand it. I can feel it lurking there behind my eyes too.
It’s breezy and cool today; a nice change. It’s usually hot and humid here in paradise. I thought I would never get used to the muggy heat, but I have learned to live with it like everyone else.
I can feel a funk creeping up on me. Depression is like that for me nowadays; I’m usually fine in the morning but as the day wears on I feel worse and worse. I almost made the mistake of sleeping, but I got up instead and started writing this. I’m really trying hard to stay away from falling asleep to fix my mood but it’s hard to break that pattern. I feel like this episode is going to be bad. I can feel the heaviness gathering in my chest. I think my wife said she wants to go soon and I hope this hopelessness doesn’t follow me home. I want to spend quality time with my wife and child, not forcing myself to be in a good mood for their sake. It’s so hard to smile when you don’t want to.
Well, I am officially depressed.
She didn’t say it in so many words. She didn’t have to, I got her meaning crystal clear. I am not a good father. What she actually said, after she saw a picture of my son holding his sick daughter on Facebook, was “You never do that with our daughter. When she cries at night you just continue sleeping”. I guess I could make excuses about being heavily medicated at night, but my arguments just sound hollow. I just keep saying it over and over in my head: I am not a good father. I told her it hurt my feelings, but she just shrugged it off. She makes it sound like I don’t even try. I do try, every day harder than the next.
I don’t even know why I bother at all anymore. Nothing I do is ever good enough for her, there is always a complaint. Last night she was complaining that I never buy her anything. But, I refuse to make excuses. She is allowed to feel the way she feels. I’m not even going to say anything anymore about it. I am really sick to death of everything.
Now she is mad at me for something else. She has slammed the door and locked herself in the bedroom, successfully cutting off any access for me to try to figure out what the problem is now. I have to say, now that I think about it, that this happens quite a bit in our house. I usually play the doormat and apologize, even if I don’t know what I did wrong. This time, I’m just going to sit here and write in my little blog. Maybe she will want to turn over a new leaf and actually talk instead of yell.
But, you are only hearing about this from one side. Maybe she does have a valid excuse to be mad at me. I’ll probably never find out because she won’t talk to me, she just glares at me when she walks by.
I love my wife, but we do have our share of problems. Like I said, I usually just sit and let her yell at me, but I don’t feel like being engaged in a one-sided argument today. I think I’ll go outside and smoke.
I moved from my usual spot at the kitchen table to the bedroom upstairs because the hard seat on the chair was hurting my sore and tender buttocks.
Did you hear me right? Yes, I smoke. I have been smoking off and on my whole adult life. I smoke about a pack a day, but I have rules. I don’t smoke in front of the baby, indoors or in the car. No second hand smoke. I have a love/hate relationship with smoking. I don’t like the smell on me, and neither does my wife, but it helps to calm me down. Here we are back to a coping mechanism I use that is unhealthy. This is one of the few vices I have left. I use to have many, many more, but that is a story for another day.
What was I saying? Oh yeah, unhealthy coping mechanism. Just the act of smoking calms me down a bit. Redirects my energy. See, I am no longer ranting about my angry wife. I’ve moved on already because I sat down and smoked a cigarette and had time to just think. When I am stuck and can’t think of what to write about anymore, I have a smoke. Smoking is such a big part of my life, I don’t ever see myself quitting any time soon. Lung cancer….Yeah I know, it says “Smoking kills” right on the pack.
I didn’t sleep. What I did was lie here and phase out, which caused me to focus on the feelings of depression and anxiety that are boiling in my stomach and chest. Now I feel worse, much worse. Maybe I should have just slept instead, I would probably feel better. I am also trying to figure out why my feet and hands are numb. Oops, I didn’t take my noon pills! Excuse me…
We go to bed early, so this day is almost over. Still depressed. Still have anxiety. No apologies said on either side. At least she is saying a few words to me. Maybe it will get better before I go to sleep.
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