If you read my post yesterday, you will know I was in a very bad place. Depression and anxiety had taken over my mind and by the time I went to bed, I was thinking that I would kill myself if I felt the same today. I woke early today like I always do to check blog traffic and to see if I have any comments and I still felt bad. I went back to bed and woke up at 7:30 am, took my Prozac like I always do and a short time later, after I was fully awake, I felt a little better. The anxiety is still tearing apart my insides, but the depression has been muted to just a portion of what it was yesterday.
I have been dealing with this anxiety since I tried to stop taking my Clonazepam like my doctor asked. I was only removed from it for a day, but my mind and body never went back to where I was before I tried to stop, feeling very little angst. The depression before yesterday had been at a very manageable level like the anxiety. Yesterday scared me a little. It’s amazing just how fast my moods can change.
Now that I am thinking a little clearer, I am trying to figure out just what happened to me. Was it just a case of the after-Christmas blues, or something else? I think I need to talk to my doctor and find out if we can do something about this that doesn’t involve taking me off my medication. This is a bad time of year to try and change my cocktail of pills. Coping with the withdrawals is too hard for me and my family.
My wife has a hard time dealing with my illness. But, I think allowing her to read this blog has helped somewhat. I am hoping she will come to understand, even just a little more what I deal with every day, and what my horrible past has done to mold me into the person I am now.
Now if I can just maintain my level of depression, while figuring out what to do about the anxiety, I will be fine.
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