Recovery – What is it to me?

I just went and read over my first 5 posts and realized I’ve been talking a lot about the past. I want to talk about where I am today.

In 2011 I moved to a different country. I guess you could call it third-world. All I know is it is a much different way of life than my old one in the states. But, I love it here, because every day this place surprises me.  It could be something as simple as a flower growing in my yard that I have never seen before to finding out yesterday that the new townhouse we are going to buy is only $26, 400 in U.S. dollars.

In 2011 I got married again and in 2012 my daughter was born and I was experiencing fatherhood all over at  44 years old. Now at 45 I have a one-year old that finds a new way to make me smile every day and a wife that shows me the meaning of love when, after my divorce 6 years ago, I never thought I would feel it again.

I never really talk about recovery because I had myself convinced I would be crushed by mental illness till I die, either by my hand or natural causes. It’s been a life of ups-and-downs, mostly downs, and I never thought I could pull myself out of this situation and recover from it.

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It’s 3:o0 am and I have been up for 2 hours already. I have been taking this new cocktail of medication for exactly 5 days now. I got new medications because the old ones were causing me to have terrible side-effects.

I have been sick for a few days now and I don’t know if these flu-like symptoms are being caused by abruptly stopping my Haloperidol or it really is the flu. It does seem that I get sick every time I change medications. I see my new doctor again in a week, and I hope she can provide an answer for me. It was hard to find a good psych doctor in this country mostly because the people that live here are poor and choose to struggle more with providing for their families than complaining about a mental illness. I guess they tend to self-medicate with alcohol like my brother. But, I think I finally found a great doctor that listens to me and will help with my new dream of exploring recovery.

These sleepless nights and all the great blogs I have been reading have given me time and information to think about my own wellness. As I said before, I never really thought about my own recovery, but all the good things happening in my life right now are shining a light on new hope for me to have somewhat of a “normal” life. I haven’t been able to find a therapist in this country, so I think the support system I have now will have to be the foundation on which I build my new life on. For the first time I see that light at the end of the tunnel I keep hearing about, but I know I am going to have to put some very hard work into it before I see it.

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